One of the problems I have in life is not knowing what I want.
I don't know what I want in love, in a job, and just life in general.
I'm educated, but I don't have a job in my field. I went to university for four years studying Geography, and the only thing I learned was that I don't want to be a geographer. I really don't want to go back to school, and no subject can interest me for four years. I'm stuck in a minimum wage retail job, wasting my time.
I'm lucky in that I have someone I love very deeply right now. And I'm pretty sure she loves me deeply too. It's the best I've ever had, and probably ever will have. But I know deep down that she will break my heart. She has before. I wish I could trust her completely, I wish the fear wasn't there.
If someone asked me where I see myself in ten years, I wouldn't know what to say. FIve years, one year. I have no idea. I have no goals, no direction. I feel useless sometimes.
I try to be a good person, to make the right decisons. Try not to hurt anyone. Sure I fuck up once and awhile. I just don't think that's enough. I'm good to my family, but I know I dissapoint them. My mother loves me and knows I can do better, but I just can't seem to get my act together. I also want to be a good father to my daughter, and raise her just as well as my dad raised me, but I don't know if I can do that.
It's incredible; there's people in this world who believe in things so strongly that they are willing to die for them. The things they die for are not always good, but the passion has to be admired. To give up all they have, and all they are ever going to have, for something they believe in. Sometimes I wish I could feel that strongly about something.
Maybe I'll have some epiphany, like Newton's apple, that hits me on the head and I'll be a changed man, have some sort of life altering experience that gives me direction. Until then I just guess I'll have to try to be the best son/father/lover I can be. I hope it's enough.
I don't know what I want in love, in a job, and just life in general.
I'm educated, but I don't have a job in my field. I went to university for four years studying Geography, and the only thing I learned was that I don't want to be a geographer. I really don't want to go back to school, and no subject can interest me for four years. I'm stuck in a minimum wage retail job, wasting my time.
I'm lucky in that I have someone I love very deeply right now. And I'm pretty sure she loves me deeply too. It's the best I've ever had, and probably ever will have. But I know deep down that she will break my heart. She has before. I wish I could trust her completely, I wish the fear wasn't there.
If someone asked me where I see myself in ten years, I wouldn't know what to say. FIve years, one year. I have no idea. I have no goals, no direction. I feel useless sometimes.
I try to be a good person, to make the right decisons. Try not to hurt anyone. Sure I fuck up once and awhile. I just don't think that's enough. I'm good to my family, but I know I dissapoint them. My mother loves me and knows I can do better, but I just can't seem to get my act together. I also want to be a good father to my daughter, and raise her just as well as my dad raised me, but I don't know if I can do that.
It's incredible; there's people in this world who believe in things so strongly that they are willing to die for them. The things they die for are not always good, but the passion has to be admired. To give up all they have, and all they are ever going to have, for something they believe in. Sometimes I wish I could feel that strongly about something.
Maybe I'll have some epiphany, like Newton's apple, that hits me on the head and I'll be a changed man, have some sort of life altering experience that gives me direction. Until then I just guess I'll have to try to be the best son/father/lover I can be. I hope it's enough.
northstar:
you write very well.