so apparently i can't stick to not staying here. i blame it on the boredom and lack of anything to ever do.
so yeah, i've been pushed back into an unhappy time. i hadn't told anyone but i was sort of trying to patch things up with the kid i used to consider my best friend and i thought that was going to happen. the other night we were talking and words were said more or less by him that completely crossed the line and i will never be his friend again. so i don't expect to ever talk to him again.
i've been asked many times by people if i thought i really wanted to be happy. i've always given them the same answer. deep down i don't think i truely want it. every time i become happy something comes along to destroy that. it feels like a bad cycle i can't get out of. and i never worry about it till after it happens it feels like.
i know deep down in my heart i'll never have someone outside of family that will last in my life. the longest i've ever had a friend is 2 years. it's starting to scare me a lot. i don't know how to take that. especially since i'm the guy that wanted to be married at 21 and spend the rest of my life trying to make whoever it was i married happy.
it really hurts that instead of being curious as to why i might have felt like going away people just outright think "oh he just does that" it's really crappy. especially when they know that you're feeling incredibly unhappy over something.
i've come to realize i'll never become that person that gets loads upon loads of attention. i probably don't deserve to. i have nothing of interest to say, i'm not incredibly funny, the times that i do make people laugh it's not for long periods of time, more often then not i'm unhappy, all i ever do to try and help people feel better is internet hugs, and when i try to do more, i make decisions that turn out to make things worse.
i'm not a good friend. no matter what any of you say. if i was a good friend then i'd have more friends, and i'd still have the friends that have only lasted me 2 years. just because you think at this moment i might be a good friend doesn't make all the other people wrong.
so yeah, i've been pushed back into an unhappy time. i hadn't told anyone but i was sort of trying to patch things up with the kid i used to consider my best friend and i thought that was going to happen. the other night we were talking and words were said more or less by him that completely crossed the line and i will never be his friend again. so i don't expect to ever talk to him again.
i've been asked many times by people if i thought i really wanted to be happy. i've always given them the same answer. deep down i don't think i truely want it. every time i become happy something comes along to destroy that. it feels like a bad cycle i can't get out of. and i never worry about it till after it happens it feels like.
i know deep down in my heart i'll never have someone outside of family that will last in my life. the longest i've ever had a friend is 2 years. it's starting to scare me a lot. i don't know how to take that. especially since i'm the guy that wanted to be married at 21 and spend the rest of my life trying to make whoever it was i married happy.
it really hurts that instead of being curious as to why i might have felt like going away people just outright think "oh he just does that" it's really crappy. especially when they know that you're feeling incredibly unhappy over something.
i've come to realize i'll never become that person that gets loads upon loads of attention. i probably don't deserve to. i have nothing of interest to say, i'm not incredibly funny, the times that i do make people laugh it's not for long periods of time, more often then not i'm unhappy, all i ever do to try and help people feel better is internet hugs, and when i try to do more, i make decisions that turn out to make things worse.
i'm not a good friend. no matter what any of you say. if i was a good friend then i'd have more friends, and i'd still have the friends that have only lasted me 2 years. just because you think at this moment i might be a good friend doesn't make all the other people wrong.
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Also, you can do anything you like but I don't intend on getting fed up with you, so you're stuck with me I'm afraid