A lot of things are in the process of happening. First and moremost, one of my good, good friends was just diagnosed with lung cancer....At 22, mind you. From smoking. I hate to sound like a PSA, but I'm so glad I've quit and hope that everyone else can do the same. He had his first treatment for it on Monday, and it's truly heartbreaking to see him so worn out and in such low spirits. I refuse to let him see me cry, not because it's a pride thing, but because he needs someone to keep him optimistic and hopeful. You can't help but to feel so helpless, though.....but I refuse to let that show, for his sake.
Moving on, my boyfriend is spiraling downward into the bottomless pit of alcohoholism. This from someone who used to denounce drugs and alchohol and anyone who did them. Thank God he's not doing drugs, but he wants no help whatsoever and is content with being miserable and under the influence. Now even though we're not doing too great as a couple, he's still my best friend and I love him with all of my heart.......But again, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness takes over. It might be out of my hands, but what do I do? He was right there with me when I battled my own addictions and even though I was a lot worse off than him, I always had hope, which is one thing he is completely devoid of. And going to a doctor for his depression and whatnot is out of the question considering the asshole didn't even fill out his paperwork for health insurance.......Man, this is why I'm through with boys. For real, for real.
Now where do I fit in in the whole scheme of things? Trying to devise a plan to turn my life around and leave this place, which has left me feeling horribly guilty. Like I'm abandoning everyone. Now, I know this is my life and I need to finally take control of it, but I have found myself so strongly bonded to my friends and family now than ever before. I have all these valid reasons for leaving, now I can't think of any. What if my mom's cancer comes back, what if something happens to Ian and I can't afford the airfare, or Glenn completely falls apart? I know....excuses, excuses. But I'm the excessive worrier.
I just pray that everything works out. And for once I have hope that it will. The way I look at it, carrying around good energy can only help, right?
Moving on, my boyfriend is spiraling downward into the bottomless pit of alcohoholism. This from someone who used to denounce drugs and alchohol and anyone who did them. Thank God he's not doing drugs, but he wants no help whatsoever and is content with being miserable and under the influence. Now even though we're not doing too great as a couple, he's still my best friend and I love him with all of my heart.......But again, the overwhelming feeling of helplessness takes over. It might be out of my hands, but what do I do? He was right there with me when I battled my own addictions and even though I was a lot worse off than him, I always had hope, which is one thing he is completely devoid of. And going to a doctor for his depression and whatnot is out of the question considering the asshole didn't even fill out his paperwork for health insurance.......Man, this is why I'm through with boys. For real, for real.
Now where do I fit in in the whole scheme of things? Trying to devise a plan to turn my life around and leave this place, which has left me feeling horribly guilty. Like I'm abandoning everyone. Now, I know this is my life and I need to finally take control of it, but I have found myself so strongly bonded to my friends and family now than ever before. I have all these valid reasons for leaving, now I can't think of any. What if my mom's cancer comes back, what if something happens to Ian and I can't afford the airfare, or Glenn completely falls apart? I know....excuses, excuses. But I'm the excessive worrier.
I just pray that everything works out. And for once I have hope that it will. The way I look at it, carrying around good energy can only help, right?
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xo