This year has been difficult for everyone, so when your name means "Child of Sorrow" the universe has to roll up its sleeves and really spank you red and raw.
My mother who abandoned me at age 7 started speaking to me this year, and I decided to forgive, to really and selfishly forgive. It was a choice that took all power to hurt me from her, or so I thought, She passed away just over a week ago.
I have been struggling with the fact that I am not feeling anything at full emotional volume, its all muted. This past month I have also developed a lazy eye and look deformed on the left side, it's tempting to scream "HEY YOU GUYS!!!" every time I greet people. But on a serious note the doctors at the emergency department told me they strongly suspect a tumour behind my eye.
I left before I could get the results, I'm terrified to know for sure.
What comes next? What fresh hellish fun will be thrown my way? Will I wake up in a loveless middle class marriage and a life I hate, and all of this I believe has been my life was just a vivid dream?
*update*
The next stroke in my emotional death by a thousand cuts was putting our snow Bengal, Tybalt, the Prince of Cats to sleep. He died looking lovingly into my eyes, the cirvle was closed, he left us how he came into our lives, looking deeply into my eyes with trust and love. It BROKE me, I just beat cancer, but the loss of the little sad blue eyed angel is still a sucking chest wound. It takes my ability to breathe at times. He was the purest soul I have ever been blessed to know, the remaining days of this spin on the cosmic pinwheel will never see another being like this come into my life. Thats how it should be, he was unique, a gift, a friend. I hurt so badly, but take comfort when the moon is at a certain phase and it looks exactly like his eye shining down on me, telling me to be ok, that he only ever wanted me happy.
What more need be stripped from my heart? I always survive, Im just not sure if its even by choice anymore.