I am personally fucking irate if this is drug related. Fucking angry. I am fine, I am totally fine but my girlfriend for example in this picture is devestated and for that reason I remain angry with him at this point. I will be fine and will simmer down but I'm fucking pissed. Absolutely a disgrace that we are the same age and he does this shit if the news is true.

I was emailing with Phil today and he sounded pretty displeased as well.

I don't care if it's blasphemous to say it.

I was seriously thinking of trying to get a donation going in his name for my trip out to Katrina areas. I have yet to figure myself into an organization but I AM INDEED driving out there this weekend, hell and high water. I plan on staying (b/c I'm an anarchist at heart) and I think it would be neat if I strand myself (which is my goal and I am gettnig support, however it will all be coming AFTER I've left) and can get a fund going in his name to allow me to get water and whatever else I seem to need which I forsee being not much. But as my intention is going for 9/11, it would be neat to organize something positive in the name of our fuckass friend.

I mean I don't mean to sound so irate but if it's what I think it is I am furious mostly due to people like my friend there who are young and have never had to deal with a loss like this. She said he was found in bed and while I troed to say 'Thank GOd he was in bed, properly at rest" she didn't want to hear it. She is torn apart.

It would be nice to go in the name of a New Yorker.

I hope all is well and I thank you fo rthe pciture and journal. This is bullshit and I will most likely be coming through NY whenever I come back. If this sounds like rambling, I am half drunk (good.) and whatever. Phil today was saying he is disgusted. By the way, I received the news on my birthday. I TOTALLY FORGOT HE HAD BEEN IN THE BAND. My stomacj is turning, fucking bastard. Disgrace we are the same age and he fucking copped out. I am furious and should not be typing. Like I said I AM FINE, I am totally furious but I am more concerned for my other friends. Furious, fucking quitter. I'm sorry, yell at me if you want, Phil has my number.

further more (God I am out of control, I am fucking pissed the fuck off)

i said

It would be nice to go in the name of a New Yorker.

This cunt is being buried walking distance from my childhood house. I am furious. I can keep you updated on my bullshit travels and if you wanted to set up a benefit show in his name, I will make a donation towards that reflection wherever I go, if it's only water. I believe Rick should've had it this way, to be lending a hand out there as a New Yorker. I am totally furious.

Have Phil call me or you call me before I go, I leave this weekend. He has my shit.

Btw I want to put you in touch with my girlfriend there if you are going to the memorial on friday. PLEASE HAVE PHIL CALL ME. She could use the vicarious support, she's in Sheepshead Bay.

The thing that sucks is I hadn't seen him in years actually (not surprising due to my move) and we worked together and this is something about him I was apparently very ignorant to. I don't know if he cleaned up for work or what the story was. That might all sound very bizarre, that I would see him everyday and have no conception.
Furthermore it's one of those things where you don't appreciate going through this in a way where at the end you never knew a person at all.
Have Phil look up my friend "Steffi" via my myspace, since that's where he email me. I know she would appreciate it and esp local comfort as there is not a damn thing I can do.
Also give Phil this number (we were talking about this):

800-525-7575

I'm trying to get in with this group as they indeed want/need physical volunteers in Katrina relief and are very nice (I think they're Jesus people? It's aight.). I'll be in touch before I go but if I'm definitely getting with these people I'll probably be gone a bit!

oh the group is called "Feed The Children"

I'm trying handle your comment carefully as it saddens me b/c as you can tell I've made my stance on this. I've just seen it before and my position does not waver. However I was dealing with my friends on the phone who are broken up as well but I just don't feel sorry for HIM for what he now gives them and us. I might've expressed myself fully in my update, don't know. The girl who posted it to myspace was pleased.

Why on earth should "selfish" come into mind with this? And it's not a question of being angry. For me I can't even believe I get to add another notch of a suicide or drugs. I honestly just don't know people like that however no one can ever deal with a suicide of course.

I think the impact of our ages bothered me a lot, I echo that other sentiment of "you had no right."

I almost feel like there's no reason to even be sad (I shed a few tears composing my statement) b/c a choice was made and it was a choice to alienate others. Drugs and the like are choices to exclude but when they sink in people are unreachable, not even human. I guess from living with and caring for a drunk for 2 years, this is why I'm cold/tough love.

I am upset his parents found him. That's a lot of my anger.

How is Phillipe doing? His last email today sounded similar to this. I'm just wondering how everyone is doing.

I think it's seriously, das drama aside, great that I'm going out to witness true suffering so that I can let go of what I consider to be a selfish loss. It's just that we worked together and I only remember him as being a happy drunk, a good person, goofy, lending a hand and all this and I refuse to hold on to some sympathetic masturbation fantasy of what he's done. He's a turn coat. I only remember Rick that I knew. I'm glad I was away for this. I'm furious I never even knew he had a problem, did he always? B/c we worked together a long time ago.

ANYWAY, I'm just telling you this cannot be a sad thing. It just can't be, as I do not believe he would've wished for this. My last death was having a 23 year old friend jump off a bridge and I was the one who had to inform one of her closest friends who had introduced us.

I really hope you are alright and not falling apart or anything and please talk to me anyway, I'm not going to be an angry dad.

I got BASHED in response to my spouting. What was funny was the girl who posted it for me referred to my words as "wonderful" then edited it off once I got bashed. Interesting. I'm exhausted by this and those people made me unhappy.

I just feel cheated is all. I'd like to know what the autposy says.

How was tonight? I've only heard from Jordan. How was everyone? I'm drinking for everybody RIGHT NOW. It's the right way.

Oh btw, even though I'll email him anyway, tell Phil I gotta roll through NY I think when I come back maybe, so we all have to meet up. Is he still in JC? B/c in which case 2 of my best friends are there and it could be a real fiesta. I know it sounds funny but I have this feeling I'll want to head to the WTC to pass by and have some solitude, what's funny about that is it was always my stop to get to work at the Knit (I used to live like 2 blocks from Phil), so it will be important to me as a faithful person after the LA experience to get to pray at the site that inspired me to go and the last place I would go where I would see Rick. I'm pretty certain the last time I saw him was when we worked together; it's weird and neat to think I can go there and have my little moment to release.

My friend who jumped off the bridge had a WTC connection sort of, so I like to head to that sad place a lot for silent prayer. It's nice for me. Maybe you guys could come with and laugh at what a sap I am!!

ADDITIONALLY!!! (oh man you know I'm drinking now) do me the favor of relaying this to Phil that I'm so glad we are still friends, really. I'm really practically thrilled that I have you and lovely Jordan here to chat with (I love home memories, I swear Philly is so lonely and alien). But Phil was always such an amazing friend and it's just so rad to think that fucking 9 years later he's still here for me, I'm so grateful to still have my original friends from that time...
Well I hope you can talk soon, I'd just really like to know what went around tonight, I hope Phil found my friend Karin (I told him to fucking find her, she is a wreck). Anyway let me drink I guess.

I bet your dad, like me, can remember shouldering one of those muskets! Blasted heavy, and when you shot one, you couldn't see a damned thing through the cloud of smoke, unless it was windy.

Kidding aside, your dad and I feel the same way. We didn't want to leave you kids with a country sliding back into the Middle Ages. FDR started us on the right track, and his reforms were the target of conservative fanatics ever since. These nutcases have just about undone his enlightened, practical programs. Watch out! The bottom is going to fall out of these idiots' cloud cuckoo land, and you kids will suffer for it.

I wish I could come hear your band. However, I have some friends here in local rock bands, and I do go hear them. Love it! Beer, racket and peanuts! What more can you ask for!

I was supposed to leave you a happy birthday yesterday!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

I was cofused b/c I was waiting for the little b-day ballon by peoples' names. I also was barely on-line yesterday, hmmm.

How are you???