intro to a book on bisexuality that i started and subsequently, stopped working on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introduction
The idea for writing this book came to me while slowly trotting down my own path of sexual discovery. Always having been one to research and obtain knowledge about any issues pertaining to my life, may it be through the internet, books or simply talking to people, I was disappointed by the lack of resources available to bisexuals who were presumably dealing with similar issues issues which will inevitably arise when realizing and accepting a queer identity.
Coming to terms with my sexual preference was a two and a half year process, which still never seems to fully end. By accepting that I in fact was not straight, I opened a can of worms which I was not fully ready to handle. Since this subject is so secretive and taboo, I was rather reluctant to open up about my confusing sexual feelings to loved ones. I bottled them all up, which in many ways, made me even more confused as they seemed to lose any meaning at all and instead became a daily burden inhibiting my ability to be happy.
Incorporating the daily vicious cycle of self-denial, resentment, confusion, perpetual ambiguity, secrecy and over all depression into my psyche, made for a slow progression toward acceptance and happiness. Instead, I was incessantly bogged down by my own struggle, failing to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I felt condemned to forever revel in the vagueness of my sexuality, which ultimately led me to isolation and aided in me fostering other problems which simply piggy-backed off of this initial one.
Even after having opened up about my bisexuality, I still do not always possess a complete feeling of acceptance or definitiveness toward my sexuality. Hearing my straight family and friends tell me that its just a collegiate phase that a lot of artsy or experimental girls like myself go through doesnt help nor does advise and guidance from my gay friends who tell me that they too, used bisexuality as a transitional period toward homosexuality, and eventually I would too.
It furthermore wasnt all that encouraging hearing people who had no idea of my sexual preference at all say that bisexuals are so because theyre generally ugly people who will take anything they can get, perverts, indecisive, not real, sluts, gay people in denial, creepy and a whole plethora of other descriptions which I have found not to be true.
Sometimes I get caught up too much speculating on the validity of my sexuality. It seems too fluctuating to actually be as I suppose it as. I read once that those who strongly defend their beliefs do so out of a necessity to convince themselves of the truthfulness of the claim, rather than others. Occasionally I feel like this to be all too relatable in my case. I get worn down from this incessant barrage of self-questioning, deteriorating what I claim to be.
I do it to myself which ultimately leaves me wondering if I should just give in and declare myself a homosexual. I do definitely like women. However, a world without men romantically, doesnt seem to be one Id want to inhabit. Is it mere socialization that is positing this necessity in my psyche, or is it an actual aspect of myself? Is there a distinction between the two? I believe it to be the latter, an essential part of myself, but I still deal with the hardship of never fully knowing what I am, for as I said earlier, its fluid and never stable. At first finding it difficult to realize I like women, I now find it equally difficult to accept it be so in the case of men as well. However, after years of being in such a state of mind, I believe it to be real.
This state of mind didnt too a lot of good for my own mental health, and furthermore probably just helped perpetuate the already normative, and albeit stereotypical, view of bisexuals, that declares them as indecisive fools, who cant even figure out the most fundamental aspect of being human --- sexuality.
I feel this ambiguity is not a result of indecisiveness though, but rather bravery, for it takes a lot of strength and courage to enter the depths of ones self to extract what you believe to be present. Neglecting what is expected of you is always difficult, and even more hardening is the necessary escape from the safety that simple, identifiable binaries prescribed to us provide. By leaving such a realm, we bisexuals are forced to define ourselves in a truer sense, for we have forfeited the right to utilize the pre-packaged, pre-designated and unfailingly accepted identities set forth upon us by the world. By escaping such a system, we are forced to either define ourselves or allow the outside do it for us, inevitably though a lens of prejudicial misunderstanding that tries to pigeon hold us to their standards of reality --- ones we already realized not to be representative of us anyway.
Luckily, I did have a couple of friends who are bisexual who helped in my difficult flee from the norm. These people kept me sane, leveled my never-ending questions and grounded my answers in reality. Some of the best people I know are bisexual, and knowing them aided in my debunking of my own prejudicial attitudes toward sexuality.
This binary world we inhabit aims to depict everything as black or white, gay or straight, all or nothing, while in fact life isnt always so. At the expense of using a clich expression, we do in fact live in a state of grey. Accepting that grayness and furthermore, learning how to live within a state devoid of such simplistic, one-dimensional answers to life is difficult.
My story and journey arent particular spectacular. I still deal with the same issues that I write about in this book. I dont know if this will ever become an open and closed case. I dont know if these answers or my identity will ever fully gel and solidify. Sometimes I think some people are just destined to live a more fluid life, devoid of the extraneous societal expectations set forth upon them from others.
Nonetheless, I am writing this book because I know that if I found one like it during my initial period of self-exploration and personal despair, I would not have felt so alone and powerless. I think that there is a certain amount of reassurance and comfort in hearing the stories of similar people, and hearing that they too, went through similar internal ordeals. You can be around your loved ones regularly and have many friends but still feel so alone, as none of them know about or can relate to what you are going through.
With that being said, Im going to start the story of my own sexual discovery, and in by doing so, I hope that at least one person out there will read this and get a certain feeling of empowerment or at least understanding of themselves accompanied with the knowledge that they are in fact, not alone. I will be candid, frank and honest, even to the point of seeming vulgarity, as sexuality is not an issue that can or should be tiptoed around gently.
If the words masturbation, orgasm, fag, homo, dyke, lesbian, gay and so on offend you, I strongly, strongly urge you not to continue reading this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introduction
The idea for writing this book came to me while slowly trotting down my own path of sexual discovery. Always having been one to research and obtain knowledge about any issues pertaining to my life, may it be through the internet, books or simply talking to people, I was disappointed by the lack of resources available to bisexuals who were presumably dealing with similar issues issues which will inevitably arise when realizing and accepting a queer identity.
Coming to terms with my sexual preference was a two and a half year process, which still never seems to fully end. By accepting that I in fact was not straight, I opened a can of worms which I was not fully ready to handle. Since this subject is so secretive and taboo, I was rather reluctant to open up about my confusing sexual feelings to loved ones. I bottled them all up, which in many ways, made me even more confused as they seemed to lose any meaning at all and instead became a daily burden inhibiting my ability to be happy.
Incorporating the daily vicious cycle of self-denial, resentment, confusion, perpetual ambiguity, secrecy and over all depression into my psyche, made for a slow progression toward acceptance and happiness. Instead, I was incessantly bogged down by my own struggle, failing to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I felt condemned to forever revel in the vagueness of my sexuality, which ultimately led me to isolation and aided in me fostering other problems which simply piggy-backed off of this initial one.
Even after having opened up about my bisexuality, I still do not always possess a complete feeling of acceptance or definitiveness toward my sexuality. Hearing my straight family and friends tell me that its just a collegiate phase that a lot of artsy or experimental girls like myself go through doesnt help nor does advise and guidance from my gay friends who tell me that they too, used bisexuality as a transitional period toward homosexuality, and eventually I would too.
It furthermore wasnt all that encouraging hearing people who had no idea of my sexual preference at all say that bisexuals are so because theyre generally ugly people who will take anything they can get, perverts, indecisive, not real, sluts, gay people in denial, creepy and a whole plethora of other descriptions which I have found not to be true.
Sometimes I get caught up too much speculating on the validity of my sexuality. It seems too fluctuating to actually be as I suppose it as. I read once that those who strongly defend their beliefs do so out of a necessity to convince themselves of the truthfulness of the claim, rather than others. Occasionally I feel like this to be all too relatable in my case. I get worn down from this incessant barrage of self-questioning, deteriorating what I claim to be.
I do it to myself which ultimately leaves me wondering if I should just give in and declare myself a homosexual. I do definitely like women. However, a world without men romantically, doesnt seem to be one Id want to inhabit. Is it mere socialization that is positing this necessity in my psyche, or is it an actual aspect of myself? Is there a distinction between the two? I believe it to be the latter, an essential part of myself, but I still deal with the hardship of never fully knowing what I am, for as I said earlier, its fluid and never stable. At first finding it difficult to realize I like women, I now find it equally difficult to accept it be so in the case of men as well. However, after years of being in such a state of mind, I believe it to be real.
This state of mind didnt too a lot of good for my own mental health, and furthermore probably just helped perpetuate the already normative, and albeit stereotypical, view of bisexuals, that declares them as indecisive fools, who cant even figure out the most fundamental aspect of being human --- sexuality.
I feel this ambiguity is not a result of indecisiveness though, but rather bravery, for it takes a lot of strength and courage to enter the depths of ones self to extract what you believe to be present. Neglecting what is expected of you is always difficult, and even more hardening is the necessary escape from the safety that simple, identifiable binaries prescribed to us provide. By leaving such a realm, we bisexuals are forced to define ourselves in a truer sense, for we have forfeited the right to utilize the pre-packaged, pre-designated and unfailingly accepted identities set forth upon us by the world. By escaping such a system, we are forced to either define ourselves or allow the outside do it for us, inevitably though a lens of prejudicial misunderstanding that tries to pigeon hold us to their standards of reality --- ones we already realized not to be representative of us anyway.
Luckily, I did have a couple of friends who are bisexual who helped in my difficult flee from the norm. These people kept me sane, leveled my never-ending questions and grounded my answers in reality. Some of the best people I know are bisexual, and knowing them aided in my debunking of my own prejudicial attitudes toward sexuality.
This binary world we inhabit aims to depict everything as black or white, gay or straight, all or nothing, while in fact life isnt always so. At the expense of using a clich expression, we do in fact live in a state of grey. Accepting that grayness and furthermore, learning how to live within a state devoid of such simplistic, one-dimensional answers to life is difficult.
My story and journey arent particular spectacular. I still deal with the same issues that I write about in this book. I dont know if this will ever become an open and closed case. I dont know if these answers or my identity will ever fully gel and solidify. Sometimes I think some people are just destined to live a more fluid life, devoid of the extraneous societal expectations set forth upon them from others.
Nonetheless, I am writing this book because I know that if I found one like it during my initial period of self-exploration and personal despair, I would not have felt so alone and powerless. I think that there is a certain amount of reassurance and comfort in hearing the stories of similar people, and hearing that they too, went through similar internal ordeals. You can be around your loved ones regularly and have many friends but still feel so alone, as none of them know about or can relate to what you are going through.
With that being said, Im going to start the story of my own sexual discovery, and in by doing so, I hope that at least one person out there will read this and get a certain feeling of empowerment or at least understanding of themselves accompanied with the knowledge that they are in fact, not alone. I will be candid, frank and honest, even to the point of seeming vulgarity, as sexuality is not an issue that can or should be tiptoed around gently.
If the words masturbation, orgasm, fag, homo, dyke, lesbian, gay and so on offend you, I strongly, strongly urge you not to continue reading this.