toribell

I'm drunk again. But strangely sober enough to where I can't sleep and I can still think and type. I drank myself into oblivion last night. I haven't told the internet until now because I feel it is a failure and doesn't match up well with my doppelgnger, but my sobriety didn't last long. Just like my "Awake" tattoo, it rejected.

I'm guilty. I'm sad. i'm sore. My heart aches. And I don't have anyone to tell it to. It does't even make sense to me.

I met someone last week that I apparently "knew" many years ago. I don't remember him, or his face, though I remember his now ex-wife. He made me try to remember those years. I don't think its his fault, because I'm sure he doesn't know.

I'm just trying to reorganize enough. I'm trying to see if I'm ok living here, back in my old town. If i can make a life here, a future.

I've almost forgotten everything. But it's just there, glimmering behind my reach. Waiting for me. Ruining me. How am I supposed to move on when I can't even make peace with the past?

I'm sure he-who-cannot-be-named is not ok with me here. I'd rather he not even know I'm back. i'd rather that I would never hear his name again, or what he did, or what I did. I can't stand that whenever I hang out with anyone from the old group that I automatically have to ask if "he" might be there. It's not just an emotional problem, since he is legally not allowed to have any contact with me. I don't want to take anything else that is not mine. I don't want to make anyone we used to know choose between us.

I'm drowning in these memories.

I can't sleep anymore. A week of no sleep at night unless its from drinking myself to sleep. A week of no appetite.

5 pounds. melted off. no effort.... so beautiful! i tried to lose ten pounds over a period of one month of exercise boot camp and diet.... nothing.... and now, five pounds within five days....

Nothing makes sense.


I'm worried. I'm waiting on my first appointment with my new therapist, since I didn't like the last one. I'm back on antidepressants.

I'm crazy again, but so fucking, goddamn aware.

The world is my playground, and my soul is out there somewhere.

and i wrote on my mirror. "why doesn't he love you?"

And that makes me laugh.