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I can not sit through this piece of cinematic filth that I am watching on T.V. buy myself . Seriously , Ed Wood is crying somwhere right now because this movie is JUST THAT BAD!!!!! Please join me gentle readers for my rendition of the low budget classic...IRON WARRIOR!!!!!!

First of all , I'm watching this horrific 80's style fantasy flick because I am a masochist . I love to inflict bad movies upon my fragile little psyche just to see if it's FINALLY enough to make me snap . No such luck . The real tragedy in all of this is that apparently this monstrosity is the THIRD part of a series of crappy movies!!!!! But I digress . Come with me if you dare , as I pass on to you the glorious story as it unfolds before my bleeding eyes .

Our cast of characters...

The "hero" of this little tragedy is Ator the pretty barbarian , played by the granite jawed ( and brained ) Miles O'Keefe . Mr. O'Keefe is your go-to guy when Dolph Lundgren and Billy Blanks turn down your script because it's too demeaning to their artistic sensibilities . He courageously roams the wastelands clad in his loincloth , and animal skins . Actually , the REAL courage is in doing this while sporting a gold lightning bolt earring and A FRENCH BRAID!!!!!! He looks like the guitarist from Duran Duran's more flamboyent little brother . Do NOT mock him though , or he will break into some badly choreographed swordplay!!!!!!

Next up on the Shit Parade is the lovely Princess Jenna . She is a goodly ruler with a penchant for wearing clothes seemingly made out of tissue paper . She also wears a very regal looking Marvin The Martian mowhawky hairdo , and ONE red eyebrow!!!! A commanding presence to be sure . She evidently has some integral part to play in the "story" , but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is .

Now for the diabolical villains...

Phaedra the evil witchy type person . Her power seems to be in transforming herself from a wrinkled mean spirited old crone to a saucy scantily clad medieval tramp . SCARY!!!!! She also has the ability to be followed around continuously by a fog machine and a high powered fan that makes her hair go all funky . BOW BEFORE HER WICKED SORCERY!!!!!

Then there's her evil henchman Trogar . This dude was doomed from the get-go with a name like Trogar , but sadly enough he happens to be the coolest character in this little abomination . He parades around in a costume that looks strangely like Destro from the G.I. Joe cartoon and viciously hacks people to bits in slow motion . He's also pretty good at catching spears . Trogar is NOT to be trifled with , for he is MIGHTY!!!!

There are some other losers in this poop sandwitch of a movie , but they can't match the combined acting might of this all star cast . Forget them .

A few highlights from IRON WARRIOR include ...

SEE - The daring rescue of Jenna from the furry hatted horse riding guys!!!!

SEE - The mind blowing magical onslaught that Phaedra uses to frighten her enemies . This includes , but is not limited to , scary green lights , throwing pots at people , and...uhhhm...FOG!!!!!

SEE - The tense battle of wits between Ator and a giant rolling boulder!!!!

SEE - A lot of naked big haired 80's chicks , laughing and running around for no reason!!!!!

So rush right out to the crappiest video store you can find , and ask for the "Ator" series by name kiddies . I warn you though , don't watch this action packed sword and sorcery epic if you have a weak heart ( Or weak stomach ) for it will THRILL you within an inch of your lives!!!!!

I gotta' go , I feel a little queezy . How does one cleanse the putrid stench of O'Keefe from one's mind?????? May God have mercy on my soul .