So I've had a fucing wonderful few days, I hope you can sense the sarcasm dripping out of that sentance!
Had my aunt and cousin come round thursday night which involved a lot of " If I lived here I'd....." Well guess what, You don't, so how about you back the fuck off and let me decorate my hose in a way I want to live in?!
Also got a lot of grief along the lines of:
You seem to be distancing yourself from us
Were worried about you
You look like shit
Why aren't you doing this....
And I'm sat there thinking, go away, I wana watch telly, you're annoying me, I get that youre worried but there's nothing to be worried about.
They all seem to think I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. Thats what makes me laugh. They think I'm cracking up so they say to me, "you're looking tired". Which me, who has had problems with eating disorders in the past hears as "you look like a fat bitch". Thankfully, I now seem to have enough self esteem to look in the mirror amd say "they're talking shit".
But they had a go at me for not visiting my great-aunt. I lived with her til I was 20. When I was about 14 she started showing signs of old age and I was stuck with her (incontenent, incapeable of making her own meals) and my dad (alcoholic and verbally abusive). So I spent 6 years running a house, cooking, cleaning, and everything else that applies, I've moved away now, maybe I just want a little tme and space to be me. Maybe, I want me to be the priority in my life. I know it sounds selfish but I never asked for this, and I think I coped pretty well. I have no problem with visiting my family, but whenever I do, all I get is criticism. And they wonder why I don't bother on a regular basis.
Next bit of crap was I went out for Alex's birthday (he of the previous blog post). Told him how I felt and got knocked back. Its all on the dating sucks group if anyones intrested.
So yeah, my self confidence has taken one hell of a battering. I was all geared up for moving to Bristol to go to Uni and now the family and love interest are shitting on my parade, so I feel like I can't do anything right, and why am I bothering applying, as practically no one seems to be backing me up.
Moving to Bristol and doing the architecture course there would be the best thing I could do with myself but I'm so scared because I'm having so many problems with the people I'm closest to here misunderstanding me that I dread to think what people I don't know will think.
I'm starting to doubt whether I'm good enough to do it. It seems like the only person who is on my side is Gemsy. Everyone else has a downer to put on it all and her view is "If you get into Bristol, go there, you'll regret it forever if you don't and who cares what anyone else says, you know deep down that you can do it, I don't doubt you, and besides, you've gotta get qualified to build the Gemsy-annex!"
But still, having major doubts. Like I said, Gemsy;s on my side but I don't now how I'd cope without her being there 24/7. I've kinda come to rely on her, which I know isn't healthy, but she is the only person who knows me inside out and who I really, really trust. I cam honestly admit that I'd be dead without her.
So I'll think I'm stupid if I don't get in to Bristol, but I have the horriblr feeling I might crack up if I go there. And if I get in but don't go, I'll kick myself forever.
My brain's like fucking sludge at the mo, been going over everything so many times I can't make a choice at all.
Had my aunt and cousin come round thursday night which involved a lot of " If I lived here I'd....." Well guess what, You don't, so how about you back the fuck off and let me decorate my hose in a way I want to live in?!
Also got a lot of grief along the lines of:
You seem to be distancing yourself from us
Were worried about you
You look like shit
Why aren't you doing this....
And I'm sat there thinking, go away, I wana watch telly, you're annoying me, I get that youre worried but there's nothing to be worried about.
They all seem to think I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. Thats what makes me laugh. They think I'm cracking up so they say to me, "you're looking tired". Which me, who has had problems with eating disorders in the past hears as "you look like a fat bitch". Thankfully, I now seem to have enough self esteem to look in the mirror amd say "they're talking shit".
But they had a go at me for not visiting my great-aunt. I lived with her til I was 20. When I was about 14 she started showing signs of old age and I was stuck with her (incontenent, incapeable of making her own meals) and my dad (alcoholic and verbally abusive). So I spent 6 years running a house, cooking, cleaning, and everything else that applies, I've moved away now, maybe I just want a little tme and space to be me. Maybe, I want me to be the priority in my life. I know it sounds selfish but I never asked for this, and I think I coped pretty well. I have no problem with visiting my family, but whenever I do, all I get is criticism. And they wonder why I don't bother on a regular basis.
Next bit of crap was I went out for Alex's birthday (he of the previous blog post). Told him how I felt and got knocked back. Its all on the dating sucks group if anyones intrested.
So yeah, my self confidence has taken one hell of a battering. I was all geared up for moving to Bristol to go to Uni and now the family and love interest are shitting on my parade, so I feel like I can't do anything right, and why am I bothering applying, as practically no one seems to be backing me up.
Moving to Bristol and doing the architecture course there would be the best thing I could do with myself but I'm so scared because I'm having so many problems with the people I'm closest to here misunderstanding me that I dread to think what people I don't know will think.
I'm starting to doubt whether I'm good enough to do it. It seems like the only person who is on my side is Gemsy. Everyone else has a downer to put on it all and her view is "If you get into Bristol, go there, you'll regret it forever if you don't and who cares what anyone else says, you know deep down that you can do it, I don't doubt you, and besides, you've gotta get qualified to build the Gemsy-annex!"
But still, having major doubts. Like I said, Gemsy;s on my side but I don't now how I'd cope without her being there 24/7. I've kinda come to rely on her, which I know isn't healthy, but she is the only person who knows me inside out and who I really, really trust. I cam honestly admit that I'd be dead without her.
So I'll think I'm stupid if I don't get in to Bristol, but I have the horriblr feeling I might crack up if I go there. And if I get in but don't go, I'll kick myself forever.
My brain's like fucking sludge at the mo, been going over everything so many times I can't make a choice at all.
As a side note when i visited Bristol a few years ago i fell in love with it. i wish i could have spent more time there and really got to know the city. Sounds like a cliche, but if you believe in yourself you can do whatever you set your mind to. It might be hard at times, but that will make you stronger.
Good luck with the decision, i know how hard it will be.