tigerwong

That is a lot.

I'm sorry you're having to miss your family. Sometimes being lonely, but not alone, can be a great time to work on things you want to change about yourself, which it seems like you're in the process of doing. I think it's great that you have such a supportive and intelligent wife. It's a shame your wider community can't be more open-minded.

I think I know some of what you might be feeling. I love my body, and there's nothing specific I would want to change about it, but I identify with men more often than women, and there are times when I feel a desire for a more masculine body. The things that please me the most about my body are the typically masculine things about it- the muscles in my arms and the shape of my calves and thighs, which are bulkier than most women. The women I admire the most, physically, are those with athletic, androgynous frames. When I'm attracted to someone, I will often feel it as a desire to penetrate, although I seldom wish for a penis.

I remember talking with a friend once who said he thought 'both' was the dirtiest word in the English language, referring to our society's hatred of any ambiguity or androgyny. Although I didn't agree with him, there is certainly a special type of hatred for those who are sexually ambiguous.

It's great that you have a friend who can sew. Your last blog made me wish I lived closer, since I trained as a tailor when I was younger. I don't sew much anymore, except burlesque costumes, but the challenge of making a masculine body look natural in feminine clothes is a pretty exciting idea.