tigerlily

"if someone doesn't appreciate your open and tender heart, then they don't deserve to be with you."

now that's the thing you expect to hear come out of the mouth of someone who truly loves you, yes? words like cool water over the scathing ache in my chest after being deeply hurt by someone else who supposedly cares for me deeply. (see a couple journal entries ago).

i'm thankful for that crappy conversation really. last night i skipped home from the park (ok, so i was under the influence, but anyway...), feeling lighter than i have in months. not because of reconciliation, or getting my content, but because after being kicked right where it hurts the most by someone i trusted, i no longer have any illusions about this person's place in my life. for so long i have held him like a jewel in my heart. but now i feel scoured out. when i love you, it shines on you like radiant sun in the most glorious garden. but hurt me badly enough, and you get kicked out along with adam and eve. i'll give you lots of chances, but go too far, and i'll poison your apple.

along with all this has been the reoccuring theme of force. not like aggression, but myself as a force. as in to be reckoned with. as in life. as in energy. as in i don't ever live to my full potential, i don't ever express to my full capacity because i'm too busy apologizing for my existence, too busy shrinking myself down so i don't scare people away. i don't "wallow in darkness". it appears dark to my "friend" because he's afraid of his own emotional intensity. and he obviously doesn't have the depth to go the distance. and i need to stop wasting my time,

so another belated resolution, is to stop being so nice. it's difficult for me, because i always see the other side of things. it's hard for me to make people wrong...i'm always sooooo understanding . and i haven't learned the happy medium between open and embracing and closed and rigid. the whole boundaries thing is hard for me.

don't worry. i'm not going to start biting your head off. but i am, officially, enrolling myself in the school of bitch-hood. i think i'm in good company on this site.