theretronerd

hehe. i looked at the lung diamonds under the scope this morning :thumbup: didnt look all that cool though, just a bunch of dead cells

yeah! finally gonna chill with the very excellent lowbrow this evening. we have been trying to hook up for awhile but something always folis the plan. should be good...

still healing, processing shit, coming to understand myself on a much deeper level. i go back and forth from feeling clear, like my normal, strong, aware self then i fall back into the abyss, the dark helpless, afraid, weak place that has been all too part of my reality these last months. how long will this last? i dunno but the dark clouds have been thick for some time and at least now i am starting to see sunlight creep in and just ahead a few miles, i think i see a rainbow.

BEST PERSONAL REVELATION OF THE WEEK - what is love really? ok, well we are so conditioned to be afraid if anyone says 'i love you' we think it means something scary, clingy, possessive etc but it isnt. i realized that for me i can define what love is. love is seeing into someone and seeing their light. seeing all of the beauty, goodness, joy, creativity etc...all of those things in an individual we prefer. seeing them and knowing that that is WHO THEY REALLY ARE. but then, we also see their darkness, their weakness, pain, scars, fears, faults that arise out of ignorance etc and suddenly we say 'i dont like you anymore' well if that is so then we dont know love. love is seeing the light and the dark and accepting the light as the truth of the person. knowing that the darkness is just the part of us that as human, is sleeping. unaware of the thuth...here is something i wrote this week that i am quite happy with:

'when i say i love you THIS IS WHAT I MEAN - i mean i see you. i see all of you. i see your lightness and i see God within you. i see your light and i am at times blinded by it. i see that and i know THAT IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE. i see your shadows too. i see your darkness, your storms, your mistakes and all the places within you where you have forgotten The Truth and in that forgetting have fucked up. i see that and i honor it because that is the journey. we all forget who we really are and we become clouded in the dark, we lose our way and we cant see. we stumble and seemingly fail but this isnt who we are. we are the lightness within us. and when i say i love you i mean that i love that light that is within you. that i see it just as i see your darkness and i CHOOSE to look at your light, to uphold that truth of your being and have faith in it, in you. for really in the end, the light in you is the light in me just as your darkness is my own too. if i reject you because of the apparent darkness i see in you i only reject myself because it is the same darkness i carry...'

yeah, i am happy with that little blurb now, the trick is to start loving myself as easily as i am able to love someone else.
'loving someone else is always so much easier but i hold myself hostage in the mirror' ill stop random internet posting now.