I finally booked in with the counsellor and had my first appointment with her today. I was very nervous about it as the last few days I have been feeling pretty awful physically and emotionally all over the place. I have talked myself out of going to my local Emergency Department a number of times. The feelings have been so intense that I've had thoughts of... 'You know what, if this is how it's going to end, just take me now. I'm exhausted, and don't want to do this anymore.'
I don't want to be fighting these feelings, waiting for the next moment they will come back. My body is seemingly falling apart. I'm constantly lethargic, physically exhausted, my skin has broken out like I'm a f'ing teenager again. My chest aches, my throat is tight, my arms ache, my head and jaw aches, my whole body aches. Is this all anxiety? Really?
Aside from this, I went today and saw the counsellor. I had mixed emotions going today, I was unsure if this was going to be of any benefit. My mind hasn't been in the best place lately. This clearly explains exactly why I needed to see someone.
It was fantastic. She was fantastic. The session was booked for an hour and a half so we could get to know each other and decide if I was comfortable with her to move forward with further sessions. Straight away I felt a sense of ease. She was very honest about her life experiences and offers to open up with her journey if she feels it can help me through mine. Already we have a lot in common from childhood, and some emotional experiences too. She is also a qualified naturopath as well as clinical psychotherapist/counsellor. It wasn't cold or clinical like previous experiences I've had. We openly spoke, swore, laughed and touched the surface of where we could be heading together.
In the end the session went for two hours, and I am heading back next week to see her. We worked on a breathing technique and developing a 'safe place' internally where I can feel grounded and secure. In the longer term this will help me really open up and work through the emotions and fears, whilst feeling safe within to do so. That is a challenge at the moment as the physical pain seems to take over my fears and emotions, and I don't feel safe exploring these alone right now. Hopefully this is the beginning of wonderful things to come. I feel a little better today after the session, but I am rediculously tired. I also see my Accupuncturist tomorrow morning which I am looking forward to as it's been two weeks without seeing him.
Things are slowly moving forward, I just have to take it as it comes and trust that this is a journey towards a fulfilling and positive life ahead. Much love to you all. Xxx
