Thanks for sharing this, it offers a very different perspective than what I feel about my family.
For me, walking away from them in 1992 was the best decision I ever made. I've created my own family in my close friends and significant others over the years.
It's peaceful to read your honest entries. It is very, very hard to be honest with one's self. I don't think that I am successful all that much, in that regard. I guess no matter how centered and or spiritual one can get, there is always someone around the corner to point out a different path that is just as valid and heartfelt. The one predictable thing in this universe is unpredictability. That being said, I myself seem to sway between how you feel and how Elisabeth (the comment above mine) feels. I am actually writing this because I just woke from a dream that involved my father. He is someone whom I haven't spoken to in a few years. I think I was dreaming about him partially because of your entry and mostly because from time to time I miss having a father, well I miss the idea of having the ideal father or just a good father. I know people are complicated and you can't really account for anyone else other than yourself. But it would be nice to go though life having that emotional fatherly support. But I also know that having him back in my life is inviting turmoil. That's the frustrating part. I want to be a better man, but I haven't been able to take that step. I walk around with a mantra ("Be kind. for every soul you meet is engaged in a great battle.") that keeps me centered with everyone, except my father. I have a bracelet around my wrist that has the four immeasurables (it's in sanskrit and it's meaning encourages me to focus my attention on helping others; emphasizing the importance of Love (Maitri), Compassion (Karuna), Joy (Mudita) and Equanimity (Upeksa)). I keep this there to remind me of simple things that daily life can make me forget. I want my interactions with people to come from a true place. I have been absolute in this thought with complete strangers, yet I cannot find the inner strength to open myself up to my father. I guess it's just nice to see someone practicing being good. I respect you and admire you. If I had a bigger vocabulary I am sure I would have said it more succinctly. Thanks for letting me have a place to share. I'm going back to bed.
Your Aunt Beverly is a wise woman-- my aunts and uncles (and there are a whole pack of them) all have kids, therefore nieces and nephews are a dime-a-dozen in my family. I used to be and for the most part still am the strange one, so my long absences and silences don't even raise an eye.
For me, it's all about finding right relationship with the members of my family-- it isn't the same for every one of them. My brother (DC2020) is someone I could live with and/or see every day. My father I could see regularly and be good to go. My mother? Not so much. So for me it's finding the level of intimacy or connection that works for each relationship, and not trying to fit my reality into the tiny little box of familial/social expectation!
You are very brave to "take proactive steps". Those are important barriers to break down, and I wish you the best of luck. Family is one of the most important things in the world to me, yet there are things I haven't shared with mine. Things I SHOULD share. I keep slapping myself in the head and going "Bakatada!", but I can't bring myself to talk about things. I love them dearly and just don't want to worry them. Like you said, "those who know your weaknesses more intimately than anybody else on the planet".
also, i think this is the party we'll be hitting up on saturday night.