The shame is mostly (but not totally) in regards to dating & such. That is when the shame is most bothersome. I mean, I just can't figure out who the hell would want to be with someone who feels ill almost everyday, who can be seen deteriorating right before their very eyes (although I do bounce back a bit most times). I really don't want to suck someone into my terrible world like that & make them watch me suffer. Plus, it is really a bitch to fake being well & perky on those first dates like that. It really sucks the energy faking wellness. Bleh.
I suspect in time, as I figure out what drugs work & what ones don't, what I can & can't do, what I should & should not be eating, etc that I will then be well more often. At that point, I will start the search for some luvins. Yay!
I really wish that I could sing like PJ Harvey, or Tori Amos, Or Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
On a separate note, my friend Rendo has tickets to the upcoming Eels show. It is this coming weekend, and I wish to hell I had planned ahead and bought those tickets. You are in Portland, you must understand. On another semi related note, my friend Toussaint plays horns for the portland band Ape Shape, and let me tell you, they rock. Big Time! Oh, yeah... I absoluley love it when my friends have shows... especially when I can make it to the shows... So no worries about the
Rock, love, and woo fucking hoo for squirrels!
Elleseven
mrow!
oh, and one more thing,
I tend to shake the booty at work. Today I was asked by a fellow coworker if I was in a car accident in the late sixties, cus the way i was shimmying in the store was vury much that genre. No matter, I do what I want, and obviously do not go to bed. at last, g'nite
and a piggy to boot! most fellow portlanders are welcome in my world.
Ok, so the 14 and 15 year olds may have some promise, but never forget that you are re-hashing the scene from, what, eight, or ten years ago, and like you said:
"hey've all got plenty of talent and they don't really need us, so i feel a little extra useless."
plus, dreadlocks are no longer sexy.
for this I am quite proud of you for. I don't blame you for finding the occasional dreadlock sexy, but I never did. Even when they had some rightious (oh god, spelling please) special tribal tattoos on the facial area. did you know sarah? her sexy boy had the tribals, and facial thingies to boot. plus he was at least twice her size. absoflogginglutly adorable. alright. g'nite.
And no, Jesus didn't spoil my mood at all 
I'm really glad that you made it out and congrats on winning 2nd place!
and a piggy to boot! most fellow portlanders are welcome in my world.
I fear high schoolers.