An open letter to a non-member.
Thanks for calling me this weekend. I haven't heard from you in a long time. A ridiculously long time.
Harlan asked me last night why I never dated Tara. I replied that there was too much drama (which there was), and he laughed and said "yeah, kinda poor white trash, isn't it?" Not really. It was funny coming after that conversation with you, so filled with drama, when you're far from poor, very intelligent, and from an influential family.
I lied to you in that phone conversation when I protested your contention that you've been unfair to me for the last year or so. I lied through my teeth. Yes, you've been unfair. It's gotten on my nerves, hurt my self-esteem, inspired me to wonder "what did I do wrong?" as if things hinged on me. Why did I lie? Primarily because I don't want to give you ammunition to use against yourself/us/whatever remains of this relationship. But still. This is you. The problems in this relationship? Your choices. Will I continue to stick around? Yes. It hurts, but I still like you, and would like to get back to being in love with you.
Of drama. I think it's quite funny... no, wait... I think it's quite sad that you have such a fatalistic outlook on life, yet you continue to destroy yourself to live a lifestyle you hate. You're smart and you're rich, and you have so many resources, yet you submerge everything in life that means anything to you to work 20+ hours a day. You act like you have no choice in the matter, but that job-- that damned project-- hasn't trapped you. You're trapping yourself.
When we were still in that getting-to-know phase, where we were delving into each others' personalities and lives (remember when we used to do that?), you expressed such incredulity that someone like me could have gone through so much of my life without a plan, winging it, gliding on currents instead of powering my way through. You had a master's at 24, whereas I'm looking at a bachelor's at 40. You had a career picked out and the path to get there at the age of 10, and had family clearing the entire way, whereas I'm about to be middle-age and I still don't know what I want to do.
The thing is... you acted like my choices had been detrimental to my life... you never came out and said I'd screwed up, but I think the thought was there. While I appreciate the fact that you went beyond that impression and decided to be with me for just me, I have to point out that with my decisions, I've been able to enjoy life at times. I have time on occasion for relaxation, I have time on occasion for friends, I have time on occasion for love. I don't have some warped "master plan" hanging over my head that I've felt compelled to stick to my entire life. I think it's really sad that a decision you made at the age of 10 holds so much power over you now. You're unhappy. You're ready to die. Don't you think it's time to take a look at how you're living your life and institute some changes? Perhaps realize that, hey, your childhood goal was accomplished, now maybe it's time to set a goal as an adult to balance your life a bit more?
I still love you. It's a shame you don't love yourself much right now. And I realize that there's little I can do to make you do that.
Thanks for calling me this weekend. I haven't heard from you in a long time. A ridiculously long time.
Harlan asked me last night why I never dated Tara. I replied that there was too much drama (which there was), and he laughed and said "yeah, kinda poor white trash, isn't it?" Not really. It was funny coming after that conversation with you, so filled with drama, when you're far from poor, very intelligent, and from an influential family.
I lied to you in that phone conversation when I protested your contention that you've been unfair to me for the last year or so. I lied through my teeth. Yes, you've been unfair. It's gotten on my nerves, hurt my self-esteem, inspired me to wonder "what did I do wrong?" as if things hinged on me. Why did I lie? Primarily because I don't want to give you ammunition to use against yourself/us/whatever remains of this relationship. But still. This is you. The problems in this relationship? Your choices. Will I continue to stick around? Yes. It hurts, but I still like you, and would like to get back to being in love with you.
Of drama. I think it's quite funny... no, wait... I think it's quite sad that you have such a fatalistic outlook on life, yet you continue to destroy yourself to live a lifestyle you hate. You're smart and you're rich, and you have so many resources, yet you submerge everything in life that means anything to you to work 20+ hours a day. You act like you have no choice in the matter, but that job-- that damned project-- hasn't trapped you. You're trapping yourself.
When we were still in that getting-to-know phase, where we were delving into each others' personalities and lives (remember when we used to do that?), you expressed such incredulity that someone like me could have gone through so much of my life without a plan, winging it, gliding on currents instead of powering my way through. You had a master's at 24, whereas I'm looking at a bachelor's at 40. You had a career picked out and the path to get there at the age of 10, and had family clearing the entire way, whereas I'm about to be middle-age and I still don't know what I want to do.
The thing is... you acted like my choices had been detrimental to my life... you never came out and said I'd screwed up, but I think the thought was there. While I appreciate the fact that you went beyond that impression and decided to be with me for just me, I have to point out that with my decisions, I've been able to enjoy life at times. I have time on occasion for relaxation, I have time on occasion for friends, I have time on occasion for love. I don't have some warped "master plan" hanging over my head that I've felt compelled to stick to my entire life. I think it's really sad that a decision you made at the age of 10 holds so much power over you now. You're unhappy. You're ready to die. Don't you think it's time to take a look at how you're living your life and institute some changes? Perhaps realize that, hey, your childhood goal was accomplished, now maybe it's time to set a goal as an adult to balance your life a bit more?
I still love you. It's a shame you don't love yourself much right now. And I realize that there's little I can do to make you do that.
phantasy:
ha ha, yep, so I understand the jadedness. 
_risforrad:
Surely you'll swing the bachelor's before 40 - you still have 8 years (according to your profile)! Thanks for the Hallowe'en post