FIRST LOVE
they were fucking. actually fucking on an airplane. he couldnt say how many times he had thought about it and now it was actually happening. he tried to look beyond her blonde hair which was sticking to the slight stubble on his face. he was trying to look through the hair and into the mirror. they were fucking and he was trying to brush the hair away so that he could see his face clearly in the mirror. he wanted to look into his own eyes because he thought it would help to store this memory. to keep this. lock this away. he was fucking this blonde girl and slightly annoyed that the mirror wouldnt stay still. the plane and the fucking and nothing would stay still.
i am going to remember this all wrong, he thought.
the girl looked like a barbie. like his barbie though. like ex-goth barbie. when he sat down next to her in seat 24A a little over an hour ago he thought that he knew her. she was beautiful and looking out the window. beautiful seemed too vague but it was all he had. she was his idea of beauty. she sort of glowed. she was first love reincarnated.
at first he actually believed that she might be his first love. kristal, the girl he spent a year listening to depeche mode with when he was fifteen. kristal, the girl he had wanted to move across the country for. her mother had taken her away. first, to another country on the other side of the world and then to california. once she was gone he made a vow to himself when he was only sixteen that he would follow her as soon as he grew up. as soon as he graduated high school and could find a way to get there. three thousand miles away. instead he just grew up and grew tired of waiting. he fell in love with other girls and knew that kristal wasnt waiting either. years ago, her sister had told him during one of their rare attempts at contact that kristal was engaged to be married to some orange county rich kid, who, of course, their mother loved. he drove a mercedes and belonged to a country club.
kristals mother had never liked him. she caught them making out in the bedroom after their second date. she busted them moments before sex. hands in panties under a twisted up black skirt. his pants half off. bra disconnected and floating around under her black sweater somewhere. they were stupid. they left the living room too fast. left the credits on the movie playing. the VHS tape ended and the tv screen went to noise. when her mom came in she know that something was up. he was escorted home and they were forbidden to see each other for weeks. that was the closest they ever got. after that, kristal came to her fifteen year old senses and regretted betraying her mothers trust. he loved her too much to risk losing her over sex. it was kissing and cuddling and listening to synth pop in matching eyeliner for the next year. the night before she moved away was the next and last time his hands got into those panties. even then it was just the hands and then swoosh - she was on an airplane and gone.
now he was fucking her in the bathroom and imagining it to be that very same airplane. lavatory occupied. very occupied. fucking her. well, at least a girl who for a moment he thought might be her. the same just longer than shoulder length blonde hair. the same smallish but very uplifted breasts. the same thin pointy delicate nose. the same brown eyes that screamed out to be anything but just plain brown eyes. she was small and elvish and soft.
he had sat down and carefully packed his bag under the seat while trying not to look at her. his stomach sank and his throat tightened.
he thought, if its her im going to be sick.
she was looking out the window, watching the men in yellow vests load luggage onto the plane. she didnt even notice that he had sat down next to her. he was holding a book in his right hand that he was planning to start reading. he looked at the book. the confederacy of dunces. he had been meaning to read that particular book for years. he looked at her. he tried to think of something to say to get her attention.
he was thinking, what about...
when shit! he dropped his book. it didnt make much noise as it hit the ugly blue carpeted floor of the plane but it did get her attention. she slowly turned to see who was sitting beside her.
no purple blue vein on her eyelid. too young. maybe twenty two. it wasnt kristal. kristal would have to be almost thirty. but this was how she would have looked at their college graduation, flying home with him to visit his family. if kristal had gone to college. if she hadnt given up and married that yuppie fuck.
she smiled. he smiled and bent over his knees to pick up his book. when he sat up straight again he said hey, how are you? and thought, i am so lame.
she just kept smiling. she looked straight at him for twenty or thirty seconds and then looked around the plane like she was looking for a hidden camera or a boyfriend or parents or something. this all made him very nervous, but he was thinking, well savor a kiss like wed savor a sin or vintage wine
even though the words sounded cheesy to him fifteen years, half a life later, the emotions all came back.
after nearly a minute she said, hi, im going home to see my family. my boyfriend and i are meeting there. he finished school last year and moved to florida for a job. im finishing school in chicago. anyway, were meeting at home in birmingham to tell my parents that were getting married. this summer, i think. where are you heading?
shit, he thought. nowhere. im going nowhere. why did you just tell me that? but what he said was, im just going to meet some friends for drinks.
she looked confused.
youre flying to alabama for drinks?
yeah, sort of.
he didnt feel like explaining everything that he was running from and running to. all of the sudden he didnt want to tell ex-goth barbie anything.
ok. she said and laughed like she didnt believe him. what are you reading then?
he showed her the book without speaking.
thats great. i love that book. how far in are you?
im not he said. i havent started. it was recommended to me a few years ago. today seemed like a good day to start it.
yeah, maybe. she said and looked around the plane again.
just then the plane started to move and the crew started doing the emergency procedure instructional dance. pointing left and then right. motioning towards the lights that would illuminate the aisles along the floor should they all die. he was about to start making fun of the crew when she started talking about her boyfriend again. she told him how long they had been together. two years. as opposed to how long they had know each other. since high school. how much money he made working some sort of job that involved selling people, probably senior citizens, since it was in florida, some sort of hope for the future. sixty thousand a year. she mentioned how much her parents had always liked him. he was likable. she also told him that she had recently been offered a job at a newspaper in chicago that she was going to turn down to move to orlando, a town that she wasnt sure that she liked but was sure would provide a good life for them.
he was near disgust when she asked, have you ever been in love? i mean, have you ever just been willing to throw everything aside for one perfect person?
thats when it spilled out. they had been in the air for about forty-five minutes. he hadnt read a single page. he thought he hated this girl for being so damn simple. he didnt want to tell her anything but suddenly he looked into those not blue eyes with no vein on the eyelid and told her how he had almost thrown up when he sat down. he told her about his kristal and about how much he regretted not making love to the first girl he really loved. he spilled like a baby.
at first she looked a bit put off by his comparisons of her to kristal. then it became a sort of movie to her, some strange story that only hollywood could think up. then after about five minutes she felt sorry for him and put her wonderfully soft, electric hand on his and refused to break eye contact. once his story was over it was sort of an honor for her, like a medal she had won at school. later, he rationalized that she must have felt like she needed to do something to deserve her medal because only moments after he finished talking she told him to watch her go into the toilet and then follow a minute or so later.
he watched her walk away putting her hands on the top of each aisle seat as she passed to hold herself in balance. he sat there content and wondered if she was for real. he was trying not to smile but a silly grin kept fighting for the territory of his face. this was too bizarre not to laugh at. after what seemed like it might be a minute he followed and as she promised, she opened the door to him.
once they were both inside she smiled and looked down at the floor. her face flush, she said theres no way she didnt love you. it was just bad timing. you shouldnt have to keep not knowing.
she looked up and kissed him gently while her hands reached for his belt. he was shocked. he couldnt speak or even move. she kissed his ear and whispered, i want to be her. pretend its your first time. first time with kristal.
then they were fucking. he knew it wasnt like it would have been when he was fifteen or sixteen or even twenty two with his first love. it wouldnt have been standing up on a plane with no condom. he wouldnt have been trying to look into the mirror. but this was working just the same. he loved this girl who didnt have a name. she was kristal to him. she was what had been missing.
the plane steadied out for a minute as his left hand held her tiny breast. her hair fell from his face and suddenly he could see himself in the mirror. as he saw himself clearly for the first time in years he realized that when he dug this memory up, when he unlocked it on some lonely night he would be comforted by the fact that even though he no longer wore eyeliner and that the skin around his eyes was starting to wrinkle, that when he finally made love to kristal, fifteen years too late, he could still cry.
stillifegaijin.april.2003.
they were fucking. actually fucking on an airplane. he couldnt say how many times he had thought about it and now it was actually happening. he tried to look beyond her blonde hair which was sticking to the slight stubble on his face. he was trying to look through the hair and into the mirror. they were fucking and he was trying to brush the hair away so that he could see his face clearly in the mirror. he wanted to look into his own eyes because he thought it would help to store this memory. to keep this. lock this away. he was fucking this blonde girl and slightly annoyed that the mirror wouldnt stay still. the plane and the fucking and nothing would stay still.
i am going to remember this all wrong, he thought.
the girl looked like a barbie. like his barbie though. like ex-goth barbie. when he sat down next to her in seat 24A a little over an hour ago he thought that he knew her. she was beautiful and looking out the window. beautiful seemed too vague but it was all he had. she was his idea of beauty. she sort of glowed. she was first love reincarnated.
at first he actually believed that she might be his first love. kristal, the girl he spent a year listening to depeche mode with when he was fifteen. kristal, the girl he had wanted to move across the country for. her mother had taken her away. first, to another country on the other side of the world and then to california. once she was gone he made a vow to himself when he was only sixteen that he would follow her as soon as he grew up. as soon as he graduated high school and could find a way to get there. three thousand miles away. instead he just grew up and grew tired of waiting. he fell in love with other girls and knew that kristal wasnt waiting either. years ago, her sister had told him during one of their rare attempts at contact that kristal was engaged to be married to some orange county rich kid, who, of course, their mother loved. he drove a mercedes and belonged to a country club.
kristals mother had never liked him. she caught them making out in the bedroom after their second date. she busted them moments before sex. hands in panties under a twisted up black skirt. his pants half off. bra disconnected and floating around under her black sweater somewhere. they were stupid. they left the living room too fast. left the credits on the movie playing. the VHS tape ended and the tv screen went to noise. when her mom came in she know that something was up. he was escorted home and they were forbidden to see each other for weeks. that was the closest they ever got. after that, kristal came to her fifteen year old senses and regretted betraying her mothers trust. he loved her too much to risk losing her over sex. it was kissing and cuddling and listening to synth pop in matching eyeliner for the next year. the night before she moved away was the next and last time his hands got into those panties. even then it was just the hands and then swoosh - she was on an airplane and gone.
now he was fucking her in the bathroom and imagining it to be that very same airplane. lavatory occupied. very occupied. fucking her. well, at least a girl who for a moment he thought might be her. the same just longer than shoulder length blonde hair. the same smallish but very uplifted breasts. the same thin pointy delicate nose. the same brown eyes that screamed out to be anything but just plain brown eyes. she was small and elvish and soft.
he had sat down and carefully packed his bag under the seat while trying not to look at her. his stomach sank and his throat tightened.
he thought, if its her im going to be sick.
she was looking out the window, watching the men in yellow vests load luggage onto the plane. she didnt even notice that he had sat down next to her. he was holding a book in his right hand that he was planning to start reading. he looked at the book. the confederacy of dunces. he had been meaning to read that particular book for years. he looked at her. he tried to think of something to say to get her attention.
he was thinking, what about...
when shit! he dropped his book. it didnt make much noise as it hit the ugly blue carpeted floor of the plane but it did get her attention. she slowly turned to see who was sitting beside her.
no purple blue vein on her eyelid. too young. maybe twenty two. it wasnt kristal. kristal would have to be almost thirty. but this was how she would have looked at their college graduation, flying home with him to visit his family. if kristal had gone to college. if she hadnt given up and married that yuppie fuck.
she smiled. he smiled and bent over his knees to pick up his book. when he sat up straight again he said hey, how are you? and thought, i am so lame.
she just kept smiling. she looked straight at him for twenty or thirty seconds and then looked around the plane like she was looking for a hidden camera or a boyfriend or parents or something. this all made him very nervous, but he was thinking, well savor a kiss like wed savor a sin or vintage wine
even though the words sounded cheesy to him fifteen years, half a life later, the emotions all came back.
after nearly a minute she said, hi, im going home to see my family. my boyfriend and i are meeting there. he finished school last year and moved to florida for a job. im finishing school in chicago. anyway, were meeting at home in birmingham to tell my parents that were getting married. this summer, i think. where are you heading?
shit, he thought. nowhere. im going nowhere. why did you just tell me that? but what he said was, im just going to meet some friends for drinks.
she looked confused.
youre flying to alabama for drinks?
yeah, sort of.
he didnt feel like explaining everything that he was running from and running to. all of the sudden he didnt want to tell ex-goth barbie anything.
ok. she said and laughed like she didnt believe him. what are you reading then?
he showed her the book without speaking.
thats great. i love that book. how far in are you?
im not he said. i havent started. it was recommended to me a few years ago. today seemed like a good day to start it.
yeah, maybe. she said and looked around the plane again.
just then the plane started to move and the crew started doing the emergency procedure instructional dance. pointing left and then right. motioning towards the lights that would illuminate the aisles along the floor should they all die. he was about to start making fun of the crew when she started talking about her boyfriend again. she told him how long they had been together. two years. as opposed to how long they had know each other. since high school. how much money he made working some sort of job that involved selling people, probably senior citizens, since it was in florida, some sort of hope for the future. sixty thousand a year. she mentioned how much her parents had always liked him. he was likable. she also told him that she had recently been offered a job at a newspaper in chicago that she was going to turn down to move to orlando, a town that she wasnt sure that she liked but was sure would provide a good life for them.
he was near disgust when she asked, have you ever been in love? i mean, have you ever just been willing to throw everything aside for one perfect person?
thats when it spilled out. they had been in the air for about forty-five minutes. he hadnt read a single page. he thought he hated this girl for being so damn simple. he didnt want to tell her anything but suddenly he looked into those not blue eyes with no vein on the eyelid and told her how he had almost thrown up when he sat down. he told her about his kristal and about how much he regretted not making love to the first girl he really loved. he spilled like a baby.
at first she looked a bit put off by his comparisons of her to kristal. then it became a sort of movie to her, some strange story that only hollywood could think up. then after about five minutes she felt sorry for him and put her wonderfully soft, electric hand on his and refused to break eye contact. once his story was over it was sort of an honor for her, like a medal she had won at school. later, he rationalized that she must have felt like she needed to do something to deserve her medal because only moments after he finished talking she told him to watch her go into the toilet and then follow a minute or so later.
he watched her walk away putting her hands on the top of each aisle seat as she passed to hold herself in balance. he sat there content and wondered if she was for real. he was trying not to smile but a silly grin kept fighting for the territory of his face. this was too bizarre not to laugh at. after what seemed like it might be a minute he followed and as she promised, she opened the door to him.
once they were both inside she smiled and looked down at the floor. her face flush, she said theres no way she didnt love you. it was just bad timing. you shouldnt have to keep not knowing.
she looked up and kissed him gently while her hands reached for his belt. he was shocked. he couldnt speak or even move. she kissed his ear and whispered, i want to be her. pretend its your first time. first time with kristal.
then they were fucking. he knew it wasnt like it would have been when he was fifteen or sixteen or even twenty two with his first love. it wouldnt have been standing up on a plane with no condom. he wouldnt have been trying to look into the mirror. but this was working just the same. he loved this girl who didnt have a name. she was kristal to him. she was what had been missing.
the plane steadied out for a minute as his left hand held her tiny breast. her hair fell from his face and suddenly he could see himself in the mirror. as he saw himself clearly for the first time in years he realized that when he dug this memory up, when he unlocked it on some lonely night he would be comforted by the fact that even though he no longer wore eyeliner and that the skin around his eyes was starting to wrinkle, that when he finally made love to kristal, fifteen years too late, he could still cry.
stillifegaijin.april.2003.
your story was too. nuts.