I am not sure about which part of the above you were referring to with "Smarter than that".
Anyhow, indeed things are not 0 or 1, but things do not have to be in between either: One needs to find what works for oneself, and this makes finding someone sufficiently compatible very hard (and also leads to the kind of issue you guys are having.) Submitting does not work for me, for example.
Ds: It is complicated. My ex-fiancee was my mentee (Both of us are dominant.) Anyhow, some needs are way too strong to be frustrated.
Good luck,
Lord_Frous