stella_marie

i was standing in my kitchen in my apartment in philly. my mom was on the phone crying. i couldnt believe the words coming out of her mouth. i remember dropping the phone. i remember my legs coming out from underneath me. i started screaming. i knew him since i was a few months old. i collected what was left of my energy to pick up the phone and find out how he died. he was in a jetski accident. there was no damage done to the other guy. or the passenger. or either of the jetskis. he was making a turn and didnt see the other guy behind him and they collided. the handlebar jammed into his stomach. he said he was ok but said that he was having chest pains. the other guy helped him onto his jetski and drove him back to land. they called an ambulance and he went to the hospital. turned out the impact of the handlebar lacerated his liver. he died within 24 hours. he was only 20 years old. i finally fell asleep that night after drinking an entire bottle of vodka. i went home for the funeral. ill never forget the sound when i picked up that shovel and threw the dirt onto his casket. i stood and watched in disbelief as his brother finished burying him, patting down the dirt and just kneeling there, saying goodbye to his little brother.

i miss him so much. he died without my reminding him how much i love him. or knowing how thankful i was to have him in my life. we used to cut through eachothers backyards to play as kids. the last time i saw him, we were in his car after running into eachother on a night out. he dropped me off and said we have to keep in touch better. i regret that every single day. every year, i replay the entire event in my mind. i relive his accident for him. its hard enough dealing with that. its even harder when everyone else is celebrating cause its the 4th of july.

last night was the first time in seven years i celebrated the day. i had a wonderful time. at some point, i was standing alone watching a few stray fireworks. i felt him in my heart and had a somber moment with him and as the few tears silently fell, i smiled. i just want to say thanks to everyone who unknowingly helped me through the hardest day of my life last night. i will forever be grateful.