I can't get my G5 to connect to the damn wireless router, so my server is offline, so the only blog I can post to is here.
The short version: My life is plain shit right now.
The longer more painful version that no one should bother reading: I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment, where I once had a great girlfriend and the best roommates ever. Now I'm living with my brother and Enid. Why? Because the people I once cherished decided to drink too much and then neglected to think how I would react. Consequences schmasequences. Thanks guys. Really. I just love feeling this way. I love knowing that there's nothing than can be done to repair such devastating damage. I'm ecstatic to not be able to look the people I live with in the eyes.
Since I couldn't live there anymore, I had to move. This decision was so fucking hard to make, but just thinking about the alternative is too painful, which actually made it an easy decision... just not a pleasant one.
So now half my shit is in my brother's basement, though in slight disarray, which he was in the process of converting to a den/play room. I feel like I'm intruding, though he says not to worry about it and that I can stay as long as I need to. And by "need to" I assume he means until I can find a place of my own.
I don't want to stay here long, but I still can't decide if I want to get an apartment by myself in Center City. Once things settle down (by which I mean got used to hating everything), I know I could be happy here. But if I got a place on my own, my typical day would be wake up, go to work at CCFV, come home, sit alone, go to sleep. Repeat four times. Then on weekends... maybe laundry, followed by more sitting and freelance work for Ginker Media.
What about a social life? Thank you for noticing! Yes, there would be none because the only people I regularly hang out with are now on the top of my shit list. The few friends who didn't move/graduate/transfer/drop out/etc. from Philly I rarely see because we're all crazy busy these days. Which means I'd have to go back to NJ to be with people on the weekends. So I might as well just stay in NJ and have the possibility of being social on weekdays, too.
Except it's really expensive to live in Central New Jersey. Yes, more expensive than the middle of a major US city. Extremely bizarre, but that's where I grew up, and that's where my better friends are (except most of them are still with their parents. How is it possible that I was the first to move out?). Side story: a couple years ago the housing market in NJ shot through the fucking roof, aside from job opportunities, NJ isn't too great to live because it's so full of people.
So, my dilemma: live a lonely existence close to work. Or live with people I enjoy with a two hour commute (oh, that's two hours in one direction. Via two trains. So four trains and four hours daily.).
Fuck, man, it was much nicer when I hated people because I felt like it. Not when every instinct I have says to destroy everything. And I think I left my paycheck at the apartment. Fantastic. It's not very cool to say "There's no way in hell I'm going out of my way to see people I hate" and then show up the next day. Well I can afford to live until Saturday. Saturday being the day I plan to come back with my dad's truck to pick up the furniture. Four foot tall speakers equals a giant pain in the ass to move (but since Mark has way better speakers in his living room, I can use said speakers for my computer instead). But it sucks that we'll have two Wiis in one household, mine will become neglected and unused. My fitness score is gonna be fucked.
Anyway. Yes. Much hate. Now that Mark's home and he says he gave me the wrong fucking password earlier, perhaps I can get online from my new fake bedroom. UGH. Fucking commuting fucking roommates fucking now ex-girlfriend fuck fuck fuck! I'm so goddamn happy that being a good human being doesn't mean shit in reality. Because they'll fuck you over anyway.
And to you: Don't comment to this. Leave me alone. If/when I come Saturday I don't want to hear a fucking word. I shouldn't have been so nice on the phone.
The short version: My life is plain shit right now.
The longer more painful version that no one should bother reading: I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment, where I once had a great girlfriend and the best roommates ever. Now I'm living with my brother and Enid. Why? Because the people I once cherished decided to drink too much and then neglected to think how I would react. Consequences schmasequences. Thanks guys. Really. I just love feeling this way. I love knowing that there's nothing than can be done to repair such devastating damage. I'm ecstatic to not be able to look the people I live with in the eyes.
Since I couldn't live there anymore, I had to move. This decision was so fucking hard to make, but just thinking about the alternative is too painful, which actually made it an easy decision... just not a pleasant one.
So now half my shit is in my brother's basement, though in slight disarray, which he was in the process of converting to a den/play room. I feel like I'm intruding, though he says not to worry about it and that I can stay as long as I need to. And by "need to" I assume he means until I can find a place of my own.
I don't want to stay here long, but I still can't decide if I want to get an apartment by myself in Center City. Once things settle down (by which I mean got used to hating everything), I know I could be happy here. But if I got a place on my own, my typical day would be wake up, go to work at CCFV, come home, sit alone, go to sleep. Repeat four times. Then on weekends... maybe laundry, followed by more sitting and freelance work for Ginker Media.
What about a social life? Thank you for noticing! Yes, there would be none because the only people I regularly hang out with are now on the top of my shit list. The few friends who didn't move/graduate/transfer/drop out/etc. from Philly I rarely see because we're all crazy busy these days. Which means I'd have to go back to NJ to be with people on the weekends. So I might as well just stay in NJ and have the possibility of being social on weekdays, too.
Except it's really expensive to live in Central New Jersey. Yes, more expensive than the middle of a major US city. Extremely bizarre, but that's where I grew up, and that's where my better friends are (except most of them are still with their parents. How is it possible that I was the first to move out?). Side story: a couple years ago the housing market in NJ shot through the fucking roof, aside from job opportunities, NJ isn't too great to live because it's so full of people.
So, my dilemma: live a lonely existence close to work. Or live with people I enjoy with a two hour commute (oh, that's two hours in one direction. Via two trains. So four trains and four hours daily.).
Fuck, man, it was much nicer when I hated people because I felt like it. Not when every instinct I have says to destroy everything. And I think I left my paycheck at the apartment. Fantastic. It's not very cool to say "There's no way in hell I'm going out of my way to see people I hate" and then show up the next day. Well I can afford to live until Saturday. Saturday being the day I plan to come back with my dad's truck to pick up the furniture. Four foot tall speakers equals a giant pain in the ass to move (but since Mark has way better speakers in his living room, I can use said speakers for my computer instead). But it sucks that we'll have two Wiis in one household, mine will become neglected and unused. My fitness score is gonna be fucked.
Anyway. Yes. Much hate. Now that Mark's home and he says he gave me the wrong fucking password earlier, perhaps I can get online from my new fake bedroom. UGH. Fucking commuting fucking roommates fucking now ex-girlfriend fuck fuck fuck! I'm so goddamn happy that being a good human being doesn't mean shit in reality. Because they'll fuck you over anyway.
And to you: Don't comment to this. Leave me alone. If/when I come Saturday I don't want to hear a fucking word. I shouldn't have been so nice on the phone.
im holly, a chick that lives in austin. I am sorry that you are feeling so much hate, I hate when love just fucks up in your face in a very gross projectile vomit sort of way.
If it's any consolidation, I've heard that you can forgive, once. Only once. ONLY. I say this because once you have to forgive twice it's ridiculous. Forgiving once means you have grace...although at this point I am pretty fucking sure that you're having all kinds of gooey murder scenes play out in your head and the idea of grace is pretty far down the totem pole of 'potential things to think about'.
So perhaps all of this is coming to you at a very inopportune time. I apologize if this is so. I just see so much love between you, and while I am normally not a 'nosey parker' who meddles in people's lives (people can take care of themselves) this is the internet and the anonymity gives me the ability to run around like a gooseberry chicken with a cherry in its mouth.
its that cool.
sothat's it. blessings.