let me just make this simple,
at the beggining of the new year, me and someone who i had spoken to only a few times previously finally spoke properly, we got on and within a couple of days i knew i was in love
love like never before
i would have given anything for her
but she lived near Leeds, and i lived in Reading it's a 6 hour trip and i was so short of money but i decided i couldn't be away
i saved what i could, did whatever it took to get there, and within seconds of meeting each other we couldn't stop kissing each other.
the few days i was there i felt happy, and in my life thats never happened. i was so scared, i knew i feared happiness, i knew i probably wouldn't handle it
pain is such a bittersweet embrace
but i knew that me wanting to be miserable would only hurt her, she needed better. and i decided i would get past all my own problems only to make her that little bit happier.
on the last day we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and while i wanted to make love to her so much i held off, i knew she feared me only using her. i wouldn't allow that. she deserved to be loved, she needed someone to sacrifice for her sake.
and then i left.
i must have cried all the way back, and as the bus taking me to the train station pulled away i could see the pain on her face.
i had had enough. i didn't care if i left everyone around me, i didn't care if i was poor, or thought myself unworthy of being with her.
she was perfect in every single way, no one could have made me as happy as you did.
but this isn't the fairy tale ending where love conquers all and the couple live happily everf after in their castle full of mystery and wonder
no this tale is very much different.
for while she had always told me she hated her ex, a guy who had used her, was overly possesive and had moved to another country and told her never to speak to him again. i knew she harbored feelings still.
and a week after i left he started talking to her again.
she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted, that she couldn't love 2 people at the same time. she had to make a decision and it was all i could do to not run over there on my legs and just never let go.
i told her i wanted her to be happy, i wanted me to be her decision and i wnated her ex to fuck off and die.
but i didn't take it well.
i got bitter, i got angry that i wasn't being told everything she was thinking.
and after a week i confronted her about these feelings.
suffice it to say the conversation ended badly, she had already made her decision and i wasn't who she chose.
it's been almost 3 weeks since we broke up now and my diet and my lifestyle is still taking a hit.
my body is taking the strain and i know it's trying it's best to hold itself together.
i've despised the idea of killing yourself, i'm far too stubborn to ever want to do that. if i was mangled and lay dying alone, i would likely struggle on saying to myself 'fuck you world, i'll prove you wrong, i won't die unless 'I' say so'
but i must admit the thoughts have never seemed so appealing, they're drifting away now. but mostly because i'm beggining to block everything out.
i'm beggining to forget what it means to be loved.
thank you for all the support people have given me, i know none of my friends will read this. i know that i'm likely the only one who will ever read this, but i feel glad i finally got it out, until now i have never found the words.
i wish i could say i'll be ok
but i feel like a have jagged hole in my soul that will take years to heal.
truth be told though
i think i'm developing feelings for someone else now, someone i hadn't spoken to for a long time.
a 'broken girl'
i always seem to fall for them, i want to be there to help the girls i love through their problems, and today i read something on one of her online blogs, she's been hurt so badly. and i want to be there to help her.
she reminds me of me ex, in looks and name. maybe thats why i like her. i don't know.
i know i love her personality, i think she's gorgeous, i think she could make a lot of guys happy.
i also know that i will likely never be the one she thinks of, there are many obstacles, and while i love to try even in the face of impossible odds,
i think i'll let this one run it's course
i'll be there for her as best i can, and enjoy the time i can,
thanks to all those close to me, thanks to all those who just gaze past me, who exist, thank you to everyone, no matter who you are.
you're all still here trying to find something that means something special to you.
you're all inspirations, you're all beautiful, and you're all what keeps me going.
i'll never leave, so long as i have a purpose.
thank you
at the beggining of the new year, me and someone who i had spoken to only a few times previously finally spoke properly, we got on and within a couple of days i knew i was in love
love like never before
i would have given anything for her
but she lived near Leeds, and i lived in Reading it's a 6 hour trip and i was so short of money but i decided i couldn't be away
i saved what i could, did whatever it took to get there, and within seconds of meeting each other we couldn't stop kissing each other.
the few days i was there i felt happy, and in my life thats never happened. i was so scared, i knew i feared happiness, i knew i probably wouldn't handle it
pain is such a bittersweet embrace
but i knew that me wanting to be miserable would only hurt her, she needed better. and i decided i would get past all my own problems only to make her that little bit happier.
on the last day we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and while i wanted to make love to her so much i held off, i knew she feared me only using her. i wouldn't allow that. she deserved to be loved, she needed someone to sacrifice for her sake.
and then i left.
i must have cried all the way back, and as the bus taking me to the train station pulled away i could see the pain on her face.
i had had enough. i didn't care if i left everyone around me, i didn't care if i was poor, or thought myself unworthy of being with her.
she was perfect in every single way, no one could have made me as happy as you did.
but this isn't the fairy tale ending where love conquers all and the couple live happily everf after in their castle full of mystery and wonder
no this tale is very much different.
for while she had always told me she hated her ex, a guy who had used her, was overly possesive and had moved to another country and told her never to speak to him again. i knew she harbored feelings still.
and a week after i left he started talking to her again.
she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted, that she couldn't love 2 people at the same time. she had to make a decision and it was all i could do to not run over there on my legs and just never let go.
i told her i wanted her to be happy, i wanted me to be her decision and i wnated her ex to fuck off and die.
but i didn't take it well.
i got bitter, i got angry that i wasn't being told everything she was thinking.
and after a week i confronted her about these feelings.
suffice it to say the conversation ended badly, she had already made her decision and i wasn't who she chose.
it's been almost 3 weeks since we broke up now and my diet and my lifestyle is still taking a hit.
my body is taking the strain and i know it's trying it's best to hold itself together.
i've despised the idea of killing yourself, i'm far too stubborn to ever want to do that. if i was mangled and lay dying alone, i would likely struggle on saying to myself 'fuck you world, i'll prove you wrong, i won't die unless 'I' say so'
but i must admit the thoughts have never seemed so appealing, they're drifting away now. but mostly because i'm beggining to block everything out.
i'm beggining to forget what it means to be loved.
thank you for all the support people have given me, i know none of my friends will read this. i know that i'm likely the only one who will ever read this, but i feel glad i finally got it out, until now i have never found the words.
i wish i could say i'll be ok
but i feel like a have jagged hole in my soul that will take years to heal.
truth be told though
i think i'm developing feelings for someone else now, someone i hadn't spoken to for a long time.
a 'broken girl'
i always seem to fall for them, i want to be there to help the girls i love through their problems, and today i read something on one of her online blogs, she's been hurt so badly. and i want to be there to help her.
she reminds me of me ex, in looks and name. maybe thats why i like her. i don't know.
i know i love her personality, i think she's gorgeous, i think she could make a lot of guys happy.
i also know that i will likely never be the one she thinks of, there are many obstacles, and while i love to try even in the face of impossible odds,
i think i'll let this one run it's course
i'll be there for her as best i can, and enjoy the time i can,
thanks to all those close to me, thanks to all those who just gaze past me, who exist, thank you to everyone, no matter who you are.
you're all still here trying to find something that means something special to you.
you're all inspirations, you're all beautiful, and you're all what keeps me going.
i'll never leave, so long as i have a purpose.
thank you
sailorcandy:
i always do that, i meet guys with big flaws see past it love them anyway and what thanks u get being fucked over!!! i read it.. i know exactly what u mean! it does get better x