sea2

I am not a scientist. True, some of my work on a formula involving vodka, blue curacao and orange juice was worthy of peer review and publication, and I have been known to partake in a variety of other experiments trying to push the envelope of human knowledge and experience but on the whole I am not a scientist. To this day I reckon the hardest exam I have taken was Chemistry 'O' Level, which I took when I was 16. Somehow I managed to pass it but I put this down to the fact that it was "multiple-guess" and I was making a large withdrawal from the karmic bank. So last night I was thinking about what it is that sets me apart from scientists personality wise and came up with the conclusion that it is not a stereotype that many of them are completely mad. There were three chemistry teachers at my school; all of them to some degree insane. Firstly there was Mr Ramsden. Outwardly he seemed fairly normal but scratch the surface and he was a leather glove wearing left-hander who did ticks the wrong way round and clearly had a nazi fixation. Then there was Coffin Carrier, who dressed, day in, day out, as if he were a pallbearer. And finally there was the gloriously-nicknamed Jasper, who permanently wore the white coat so favoured by scientists the world over as they whisper in your ear when you are trying to refuse to electrocute the person in the next room, "The experiment requires that you continue." Soon we will discuss the physics teachers with the guest-starring role going to Masher Marshall who had to leave our school and go immediately to a mental institution without passing go. But I'm saving the best for later - step forward Dr D, the psychology teacher. If ever there were a case of "Physician, heal thyself," he was it, writ large.