Now I can't complain a single bit about the last 9 months of my life. This single diploma has taught me more skills to get me through life than any year in school, and for the chance I have just had, I am so grateful. It has been an amazing experience, and the first of many I hope to have in a career of music. My results I know so far would suggest I have a generally natural talent in the practical side of music (Im not a egotistical person btw) and for this, I am super happy.
However, dealing with depression and anxiety does really hold me back, and I know that the effects of these two things have overall effected how well I will do in my final mark. It makes me regret never attempting to get these things sorted much earlier, when I knew about me having them years ago. It was only a few days ago when I was actually diagnosed with moderate social anxiety and moderate to severe bi-polar depression. The depression however, does seem to lean much more towards the darker, more down side, I do not have many productive, high mood or manic days. All of this is becoming much more of a reality to me now as I am also currently medicated for these things, and I have been for the past few months, it just took a while to get a referral and actually be told what it is I am dealing with properly.
If you suffer from depression/anxiety you will get what I mean, possibly, however, if you do not, here is what I have felt for the last few months. So even though I should have been uplifted by the fact I am doing an amazing course, in an amazing place, with gear I can only dream of using again. I still managed to be plunged further down into depression. Dealing with stress is definitely one of the hardest things that I find to cope with and it has made me do stupid things, and things I will always regret. The stress of this felt like it was pressing on on my body, and as the course went on and on, I could feel it squeezing harder and harder. making it seem like this doesn't exist is so tiring so I stopped doing a lot of the things I used to enjoy so much, simply because I couldn't physically deal with doing extra things. There is only so much a human body can take, I can feel my body about to break. I always used to use some kind of body shut down when I was younger to stop my anxiety and depression getting the better of me, I have now been fighting doing that for the past few months. At 11am, I can actually let this finally happen. The shut down, even though I know it has been caused by me over loading myself, it will be so refreshing. It also doesn't help that depression usually brings in a lot of self doubt and low self esteem, which, made me 2nd guess so much of my work, making it take way longer than it should, and in turn,making me rush it at the end of a deadline.
Enough of this rambling, I have to go and sleep.
If you see this, enjoy your Christmas <3