Blog homework topic courtesy of @RAMBO & @MISSY.
I'm honestly not afraid of much. Clowns, dolls ... clown dolls; these are things I hate with every cell in my body, but I would fight them to the death if need be. Storms, heights, spiders; pffff. The dark, snakes, bees; that's nothing. Public speaking ... Well, I can get up on stage, embarrass myself, and laugh right along with them if need be, but I would really hate to do so.
No, my fears are dumb. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of failure. I'm also deeply terrified of drifting off into outer space until I run out of oxygen. (Seriously, if I ever exit my spacecraft and I get detached and I have infinity all around me with no means of propulsion ... just kill me. Don't attempt a rescue, I will have gone completely insane.)
Thankfully I spend no time in space so I'm left with being of afraid of success and failure. I have this very odd habit of subconsciously sabotaging myself so I don't do well at anything. If I start to get close to winning, I freak out and blow it. I freeze up and panic. It takes every bit of willpower to finish something. I get stressed out that I screwed something up, I'll be proud of something I finished, someone somewhere will point out the flaws and everyone will think I'm a fraud.
The fear of failure will eat at me until I give up before I start. I can't screw it up if I don't begin, then there will be no mistakes. IT'S THE ONLY WAY. (Which is not true. Not starting is failing to start.)
Sometimes I can go into a panic spin cycle between success and failure, like strapping buttered bread onto the back of cat and dropping it. Just spinning and spinning. "Oh god, I might finish. I need to screw this up so people don't think I'm capable. Argh! Why did I screw that up? I can fix it. Wait, I fixed it. Why was that easy? I must have screwed it up again." So on and so forth until I hit depression.
But, I'm working on it. I have help. I'm having to rewire my brain and it's a painfully slow process. Giving myself permission to make mistakes is difficult. Not beating myself up for them is getting easier. Afraid to start? I now jump in, give it five minutes and see how it feels. If I don't want to continue after five minutes I can quit with no repercussions and no beating myself up. I usually continue after five minutes after seeing things aren't so bad.