rewop777

So its 1:30 in the morning...in retrospect not that late considering ive been awake at 5am and slept only 2 hours before heading off to work. The 5 i will sleep are good compared to that. So i dont stay up for lack of sleep, shit i can sleep any time of the day at will, in fact i REALLY need it, but i have a tendency to stay up doing something or someother. And the later it gets, the more tired i become, the less shit goes through my head, and the more i start thinking clearly....always, i always end up thinking much clearer.

So unlike the other 99% of the nights where i am up and thinking clearly i will actually put my thoughts to the proverbial paper or in this case screen.

My life has been good....to an extent, yes there are those that had it better...in fact alot of them. But I have always had what I needed except for three things

1) A clear path as to what i should be doing with my life workwise

2) Friends

3) Love

Out of the three which do you think is most important?







Well ill tell you the answer its love. God loves me, my parents....well i guess they love me in their own way, my grandparents and family love me. But only God knows the REAL me, my family loves a me that does not exist, the me they wanted, the me they think i am....Man how wrong they are, they are like blind men trying to describe the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. In any case I digress

Now the fact that i have had little to no friends, and that, in fact, my best friend is an antisocial, genocidal, sociopathic, depressed recluse with violent tendencies basically give me VERY limited social abilities.

In all honesty, ive been developing my social skills from scratch over the last 5 years, and frankly, i think im doing a piss poor job at it. First off my basic need for love bleeds through so i end up befriending girls not guys. Secondly, I apparently share more in common with the people on SG that i do with the entire country of Guatemala which i now reside in. Thirdly, when you have a Face book with 500+ names and only about 10% of them know who the fuck you are, a cellphone with over 80 numbers of people that you have met but never speak to, and the sad reality that NO ONE calls YOU, YOU have to call THEM. Well, I have to conclude I am doing a piss poor job.

I mean honestly, what am i supposed to do? This is not a rhetorical question. I honestly dont know how to have friends. Do I call them up? Should they call me? How many times a month should I speak with them? How many times should i go out with them? What the fuck do I talk about with them? I dont read the news (its all negative anyways), I dont follow any sports (except World Cup, Go Italy), I dont have a social life, ergo social gossip is lost on me, besides the fact i hate it, there are no clubs worth belonging too in Guatemala, my life is basically wake up, go to work, eat breakfast at work, work, eat lunch at work, work (by work I mean sit at my desk do nothing 99% of the day and get paid VERY well for it((no i am not happy about this, i have been fired once, i dont care to have that happen again, I want to be useful, I want to feel useful, and I want my bosses to see me as useful and for me to know about it))), go to the gym, eat dinner, get online, go to sleep, repeat from Monday to Thursday, then Friday and the weekend I go out to clubs were people dont dance, strangers NEVER talk to each other unless introduced, and then go home having wasted time and money on a fruitless exercise. And if I go out with "friends" its is because I called THEM and we got together there. And I dont meet anyone with them, i just hang with them, the music is too loud to hear them speak, so I just stand there, nod and smile. I really am getting tired of this shit.

So that brings me to dating. If i cant even have friends, well getting a girlfriend will and has presented difficulties. First off I dont have a clue what I am doing. There are girls that I find hot, then get to know them and find them dull or pretentious. Then girls I find kewl, but find that arent attractive to me. Finally girls that are both kewl and hot and consider me only a friend. Finally, I am adding a new category, girls that apparently are kewl and hot but that i feel no attraction to....fucking shit this is a new low. A guy walking in a fucking desert finds a fucking cooler filled with Gatorade and finds he doesnt like it, he leaves it, and keeps walking.... are you fucking kidding me? Ok, ok , I have no proof she likes me. At least so far she has been polite, courteous, and attentive which is more than i can say for 99.999% of the women I have met in my life. She answers text messages and phone calls, calls me to tell me if she will be late, and to let me know if I want to get together with her and her friends. And I dont like her? fucking shit

Frankly I am calling it people, I have done it before, i have said it as well, but frankly this time I am oficially and publically calling it. This is it, I give up, fuck the country, there is NO WAY IN HELL I will ever find the love of my week, month, year, let alone life in Guatemala, it is just NOT going to happen. IF a girl get on a plane and flies here then MAYBE, just MAYBE it will be possible, but locals are a LOST cause.

So enough negativity, on a positive note there is a girl on here that I like (Hey ill leave you to figure it out) Suffice to say I think she is cute, funny, and nice. So that is a GREAT improvement on what I have managed to find in Guatemala. If she does come here... well we will see what happens. Frankly like i said, im calling it, and just giving up. Fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all. If i like you then no worries, otherwise I am indifferent to you, well no worries, but if i loath, despise, or am irate with you, well go fuck yourself with a shotgun and do the world a favor and pull the trigger while you are at it.

Yea I can talk to anyone and solve their problems, give great advice, but I cant help my reflection. I have no clue what I am doing, and I cant seem to care. I care just enough to annoy myself, not enough to be worried. But we will see what happens, i think at the end of the day. If i moved, the problem could get resolved in less than a week.