Your word choice and rhythm starts and ends sounding, and feeling, like a fairy tale. The middle breaks away from that, a good juxtaposition considering how it goes from a dreamy-fantasy to a hellish-nightmare,and back to fantasy.
I do have a few problems with the middle part though. Partially because I am huge into standardized fantasy, and I (for better or worse) believe Goblins should be expressed one way, and this is a huge departure from that. My bias, which hurts my ability to follow the story. it sounds like you're taking from that poem...so not something I can wag my finger at you for.
There's a great deal of repeated words. One of the words, "Flesh," "Lust," or "Maids," is basically used in every sentence (or at least feels like it). This repetition becomes tedious in the reading.
The imagery of the maids floating also kind of confused me. I think its that first sentence of the third paragraph that throws me. I think you meant "High above the goblins, floating upon the winds, are the trapped..."
I really enjoy the last two paragraphs. Fades back to fantasy, but more grim. Kind of like looking at a childhood memory, only to see all the dirt that's there as well.
I could do more, but I'm at work. Hope that's helpful, and that you know I don't critique people's work unless I respect them.
I do have a few problems with the middle part though. Partially because I am huge into standardized fantasy, and I (for better or worse) believe Goblins should be expressed one way, and this is a huge departure from that. My bias, which hurts my ability to follow the story. it sounds like you're taking from that poem...so not something I can wag my finger at you for.
There's a great deal of repeated words. One of the words, "Flesh," "Lust," or "Maids," is basically used in every sentence (or at least feels like it). This repetition becomes tedious in the reading.
The imagery of the maids floating also kind of confused me. I think its that first sentence of the third paragraph that throws me. I think you meant "High above the goblins, floating upon the winds, are the trapped..."
I really enjoy the last two paragraphs. Fades back to fantasy, but more grim. Kind of like looking at a childhood memory, only to see all the dirt that's there as well.
I could do more, but I'm at work. Hope that's helpful, and that you know I don't critique people's work unless I respect them.