pudding

so, made out real good today when it came to valentines day gifts. i got three pink and white roses from my mom, my bosses husband sent all of us girls half a dozen roses, and joe got me this cuddly teddy bear named chistopher and a balloon that sings "you're the one that i want". it was so cute, and all of this stuff was delivered at work so i had a bit of trouble carrying it up to the apartment. my desk looks so pretty now. i love getting flowers. so work was busy today, lunch was never ending and dinner was organized chaos (there were a bunch of children). but all in all it was a good day. i have nothing planned for tomorrow, i fully intend to sit on my ass and do nothing. and i'm going to sleep in really late too. so there's my agenda, love it. maybe i'll get together with geoff, if he wants to, or something. that would be nice. i don't know. i'm wearing my favorite pair of soft green socks, they make me happy. it is astounding, but i am in such a great fucking mood right now. thats weird, better knock it off before someone finds out and crushes my little bubble of contentedness. yeah, there's the pessimism i've come to operate under. but for now i am sane and content. and i think that it has something to do with knowing that the people in my life know and love me in spite of myself. i'm a tough person to love, i know it, it's okay to say so. and i wish i wasn't, but i am. and for that i am sorry. but i'd like to think that the people that love me see beyond the crazy and at times harsh exterior to my heart which is made entirely out of jello pudding. devils food jello pudding, which would explain a few things. this is all very sentimental and i am sorry for those of you that are reading this and choking on the sugary sweetness of it all. but i have very few moments when i feel like this so i am attempting to soak it up like a sponge and carry it with me for a short time. maybe i can milk this feeling long enough to get me through what promises to be a trying week (translation: a lot of time by myself). i apparently missed that section of childhood where you learn to entertain yourself. so if i can make it through the next little while of bored evenings i should be golden. i can always fall back on my family, and thats good to know. i just don't feel anxious like i normally do, maybe this is what peace feels like.