Durning a heart wrenching phone call (which was rudely interupted and ended abrubptly,) i came to a major epiphany. All my life i've had wierd relationship with learning. Things most people don't pick up on right away, i get in a heart beat. Simple, mundane, rudimentary things anyone would grasp i somehow don't get till hours (or this case months) after. However thats not what this is about. I reflected on my relationship with that little girl. I flashed to several moments i conducted myself in an abusive manner (physically threatning, grimacing, angry, mean, bottom line abusive). I reflected on my own life. My intent to be the father she never had was noble, but how i tried to superimpose myself upon her so quickly without warning caused that little girl more pain than shes ever felt. In truth, i now realize i am an abusive person. I've just been lying to myself.
I am not a man, i am a little boy. A mean, angry selfish little boy crying about not getting what he wants. This will change. I made a blood oath to myself, that i will become the man she needs. I am not my father. I will not be my father. I will learn from him, buti will not become him. And although I'm making myself into something for someone else, in reality i'm not. I'm begging to realize part of the reason i've hated myself for so long is that i hate what and who i am. NO MORE.
I want to be in that little girls life only for the selfish reason of hearing her forgiveness. I know that if a miricle was to occur i could win a toddler over, but thats not the case. I can not repair the damage i've caused. But i will pay pennets, and redeam myself. I'll do a bit of chairity for the U.S. Marine core. I think if maybe i can save a life or two at the cost of my own, maybe i'll make up for the damge i've done but thats still not enough. I swear i'm going to make a difference in this world, i don't care that means i only help one other person, but god damnit i will not let myself go down this path.
(and maybe after that i'll get a couple of mice, put little sweaters on them, teach um to talk and sew and help with chores, a couple of glass slippers, a fairy god mother...and you get where i'm going with this right?)
I am not a man, i am a little boy. A mean, angry selfish little boy crying about not getting what he wants. This will change. I made a blood oath to myself, that i will become the man she needs. I am not my father. I will not be my father. I will learn from him, buti will not become him. And although I'm making myself into something for someone else, in reality i'm not. I'm begging to realize part of the reason i've hated myself for so long is that i hate what and who i am. NO MORE.
I want to be in that little girls life only for the selfish reason of hearing her forgiveness. I know that if a miricle was to occur i could win a toddler over, but thats not the case. I can not repair the damage i've caused. But i will pay pennets, and redeam myself. I'll do a bit of chairity for the U.S. Marine core. I think if maybe i can save a life or two at the cost of my own, maybe i'll make up for the damge i've done but thats still not enough. I swear i'm going to make a difference in this world, i don't care that means i only help one other person, but god damnit i will not let myself go down this path.
(and maybe after that i'll get a couple of mice, put little sweaters on them, teach um to talk and sew and help with chores, a couple of glass slippers, a fairy god mother...and you get where i'm going with this right?)