Whatever it is I am sure it isnt as bad as you think. There are truly very few things in this world that aren't forgivable. Keep in mind the mere fact that you feel remorse for whatever it was keeps you from being a truly horrible person. The horrors are the ones who never acknowledge or sometimes even realize the wrongs they do and the hurt they cause. good luck with whatever it is you are dealing with.
Today I feel much as you did then. Why cant I avoid hurting people, even when I try really hard not to? Life would be so much easier if I would just love the people who love me. But I always love someone else.
did you masturbate and force God to kill a kitten?