otsu

''You cannot sedate all the things you hate.''

I am truly a lotus flower

My sister is leaving for her first army training tomorrow. I'm very glad for her, she wants to join the army since she's a little girl. We did a supper for her friday at my father's place. I'm sure I've already write about how I feel towards my family, so this evening was not different then the others, and I got out of there completely drained. Still, I really want, for once, to be a good big sister and so, in the next few weeks, I'll do the last two things that I can do for this fucked-top family:

1. I'll be in charge of the adoption papers for my sister while she's away. She decided this year, to try to found her mother and her two older brothers. I feel that there will be a lot of secrets involved, but I always prefer clear things even if it hurts.

2. I need to confront our mother. Me, alone first, to try to talk to her and make her realise all the bad, and wrong things that she did to us. And then, make her apologize to my sister, because it is very important for her.

I found my way out of this crazy household a long time ago, but now I realize that my sister needs my help, and that I am to only one able to give it to her. Through all the bullshit, the lies and the pain, I need to make something good out of all this.

Beer doesn't solve anything, but it helps.

So, guess what I did friday night after the family supper? Oh, yeah, I needed a beer. So I went with my debauchery partners to drink and have fun. I was even able to play pool much better than before. With time, I can be good at this. And through the evening and the night, it all came be to me. Karma is good! Girlie wrote recently that if you should do to others what you want to receive. Last week, I took the opportunities to compliment my friends, say to them things that I always feel but don't say that often. So last night, the compliments were on me, and I could let things out of my chest about my family. I really needed that.

Nobody can be you

Nobody can give the good that I give, nobody can say what I have to say, nobody can give the help that I can give.

Talk, talk, talk...

And like usual, I finished the night at VAN's place talking, and talking all night long. VAN couldn't understand how I could spend all those nights with them without taking pills, which they do. What can I say, just being with them, and especially LEX, is really what drives me. Friendship is good.

And with KOD, we talked once again about our break-up, some things were not clear to him. He thought that I took the decision too fast to leave him. But, I explained to him how it works in my head: I think about doing something, I think about it, I think about it, I think about it, then I know I should do something about it, I think about it, I think about it, then I take the decision to do something about it, I think about it, I think about it and finally I do something (and it's just until recently that this final step has come in, before I just didn't do anything about it).

Don't believe your illusions
Something we interpret things some way, and our brain starts building ideas, fantasies, opinions, judgements and explanations on those things, without even basing them on even one piece of truth or reality. Things are simply has they are. And for me, it's a relief.

I'll try to edit this enty with pictures, you all deserve it. And I'll even try to include pictures of me!

Last hint about my family: I feel like I'm my parents parents, but at least I thought my dad something. He told how he will always rememeber two things that I said to him (that even I have forgotten):

1. C'est juste ca la vie.
2. L'amour, c'est pas ternel.

It just doesn't sounds right in english, sorry.


I'll miss Sunfeather