So I guess I should just admit that the reason I've been so quiet here the last few months is that I've been in a depression.
Well, I'm basically always depressed, but the last three months have been worse than usual. And I've been doing my best to ignore it. Haven't even gone to see my counsellor since July. I intentionally missed my appointment in August and then never bothered to call and make a new appointment.
I've been spending an awful lot of time sleeping. I'll sleep 18 hours straight sometimes, and then after being up for just a few hours, I'll feel exhausted.
Overall, I feel both depressed and I feel a lot of nothing as well.
Just an overall emptiness.
A feeling that nothing matters. That nothing I do means anything. That nothing that happens to me makes any difference.
I've been skipping board meetings for the groups I'm involved with.
And it's not because I've lost interest per se.
I've just lost interest in everything.
As much as I wanted to go to the SG burlesque show a few weeks ago, it was a real struggle to get my ass there.
While I'm doing something, like attending the show, or attending a meeting, I'm fully involved and enjoying myself.
It's getting the energy up to go in the first place that's the problem. Even with things I enjoy.
It all seems like so much effort for nothing.
This is why as much as I enjoy using this site, I've barely been around.
I've been neglecting some great people here. People I've come to really like and care about.
Yet, it's somehow a great effort to just sit down at the computer and read people's journals and respond.
When I do get up the energy to do it, I really enjoy it, and I feel great doing it.
Although I also feel guilty for letting it go for so long.
But I like catching up with people here, following their lives, and feeling like I'm playing at least a tiny role in their lives.
But that feeling of enjoyment at catching up with people I like is short-lived.
I quickly return to my state of emptiness.
I've left a message for my counsellor to make an appointment to see him, and I hope he gets back to me quickly.
I feel like I'm losing hold of these great friendships I was developing and that worries me.
And I have a few meetings coming up and I worry I'll flake out and not attend them.
Of course, it took getting a letter from my counsellor saying that my file was being closed because I hadn't been there in awhile, to get me to make the call to him.
I had been thinking about it for a long time, but never lifted a finger to make the call.
I feel like a fraud too. Not following the very same advice I'd give other people when they feel this way - to see a counsellor and get some help.
I haven't posted in groups in months partly because I haven't been on here much, and partly because I usually give people advice like that, and I'd feel guilty giving someone advice I wasn't following myself.
I already take high doses of two anti-depressants, and it worries me that they seem to be having no effect whatsoever these days.
Of course, I'm always willing to try higher doses or different drugs. I know that sometimes meds just no longer work, and that there are dozens more to choose from.
But there are times like now, when I feel like drugs won't help much, and maybe it's time for ECT - electro-convulsive therapy, or electro-shock. It's a serious, even drastic, step to take, but that's how deep this depression feels.
I know that it has side effects like short-term memory loss, but I also know that it has the remarkable ability to snap a person out of depression. It requires several treatments and a stay in hospital. As stupid as it sounds, it's the hospital stay that worries me. It's not that I fear hospitals, it's just that I'd rather stay someplace like a motel room during it. If only for the privacy.
That's my paranoia getting to me.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how I've been doing, and to be honest with why I haven't been around much.
I miss my more frequent exchanges of comments with many of you, and hope that one way or another, I manage to snap out of this deep depression and get back to my normal moderate depression soon.
Thanks for listening.
_____________________________
Update (Nov. 15) - I have an appointment with my counsellor for next Friday.
Well, I'm basically always depressed, but the last three months have been worse than usual. And I've been doing my best to ignore it. Haven't even gone to see my counsellor since July. I intentionally missed my appointment in August and then never bothered to call and make a new appointment.
I've been spending an awful lot of time sleeping. I'll sleep 18 hours straight sometimes, and then after being up for just a few hours, I'll feel exhausted.
Overall, I feel both depressed and I feel a lot of nothing as well.
Just an overall emptiness.
A feeling that nothing matters. That nothing I do means anything. That nothing that happens to me makes any difference.
I've been skipping board meetings for the groups I'm involved with.
And it's not because I've lost interest per se.
I've just lost interest in everything.
As much as I wanted to go to the SG burlesque show a few weeks ago, it was a real struggle to get my ass there.
While I'm doing something, like attending the show, or attending a meeting, I'm fully involved and enjoying myself.
It's getting the energy up to go in the first place that's the problem. Even with things I enjoy.
It all seems like so much effort for nothing.
This is why as much as I enjoy using this site, I've barely been around.
I've been neglecting some great people here. People I've come to really like and care about.
Yet, it's somehow a great effort to just sit down at the computer and read people's journals and respond.
When I do get up the energy to do it, I really enjoy it, and I feel great doing it.
Although I also feel guilty for letting it go for so long.
But I like catching up with people here, following their lives, and feeling like I'm playing at least a tiny role in their lives.
But that feeling of enjoyment at catching up with people I like is short-lived.
I quickly return to my state of emptiness.
I've left a message for my counsellor to make an appointment to see him, and I hope he gets back to me quickly.
I feel like I'm losing hold of these great friendships I was developing and that worries me.
And I have a few meetings coming up and I worry I'll flake out and not attend them.
Of course, it took getting a letter from my counsellor saying that my file was being closed because I hadn't been there in awhile, to get me to make the call to him.
I had been thinking about it for a long time, but never lifted a finger to make the call.
I feel like a fraud too. Not following the very same advice I'd give other people when they feel this way - to see a counsellor and get some help.
I haven't posted in groups in months partly because I haven't been on here much, and partly because I usually give people advice like that, and I'd feel guilty giving someone advice I wasn't following myself.
I already take high doses of two anti-depressants, and it worries me that they seem to be having no effect whatsoever these days.
Of course, I'm always willing to try higher doses or different drugs. I know that sometimes meds just no longer work, and that there are dozens more to choose from.
But there are times like now, when I feel like drugs won't help much, and maybe it's time for ECT - electro-convulsive therapy, or electro-shock. It's a serious, even drastic, step to take, but that's how deep this depression feels.
I know that it has side effects like short-term memory loss, but I also know that it has the remarkable ability to snap a person out of depression. It requires several treatments and a stay in hospital. As stupid as it sounds, it's the hospital stay that worries me. It's not that I fear hospitals, it's just that I'd rather stay someplace like a motel room during it. If only for the privacy.
That's my paranoia getting to me.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know how I've been doing, and to be honest with why I haven't been around much.
I miss my more frequent exchanges of comments with many of you, and hope that one way or another, I manage to snap out of this deep depression and get back to my normal moderate depression soon.
Thanks for listening.
_____________________________
Update (Nov. 15) - I have an appointment with my counsellor for next Friday.
VIEW 25 of 34 COMMENTS
My two dates flaked on me because, well, they're flakes. As far as being accepted as a Wicked Talent model, they don't take models shorter than 5'6" unless they're "exceptional", so I have to wow three of their photographers before I've got a shot.
Honestly, though, I should apologize for not stopping by more often and saying hello.
All things considered, I'm not doing too badly. Work (and the insane shoppers) are tolerable at this point, although that may change in the next 10 - 12 days. We shall see.
How about you? Having someone to talk to about your emotions is always a good thing, and I hope that it's helped.