Signing up to a number of dating sites as of late, and I ran into her profile again. The one I had dated for over a year and a half before she politely informed me that she wanted to date other guys while still fucking me.
I feel like a pile of dog shit that has been stepped on, and then unceremoniously picked at and scraped out from between the crevices of a shoe with a random stick. I am absolutely devastated. Seeing her photo practically ripped the heart from my chest. I thought I was "over" her. But apparently I'm not.
When I started dating over two years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Then I met her. Now I know what I want in a woman. I want her, minus her desire to break the cycle of "serial monogamy" in her life (as she puts it). But I can't have her the way I want. And there is no way I can change her.
Most guys wouldn't bat an eye at her. But I loved the size and shape of her. The smell of her. Her voice. The way she laughed. The way she smiled and sweetly said my name each and every time she saw me. The way she held me after making love. How she would reach out and hold my hand about half way through our walk the very few times she wanted to go to the park together.
I was good to her. I treated her with love and respect. I was openly affectionate with her in public without being raunchy. And the sex was so very, very good for both of us. She would tell me nearly every time that I was the best lover that she had ever had. And she was the best lover I had ever had.
And the way she said "Please, let me keep this man" over and over the last two times we made love...
But something does not make sense to me. Something has been nagging at me since the moment she called me to inform me that she had found someone else that she wanted to date. Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship that they openly admitted was a good thing?
Why?
The only thing I can rationally come up with was how horrible her marriage was, which ended about a year and a half before I met her. She said she hadn't really dated much before she met me. She said she wanted to date. But she never really wanted to date me.
Is that it? Was I her rebound guy? Was I doomed to fail with her before I even had a chance?
Part of me so deeply wishes that, in a few months time, she will call me and ask me back to her. And part is also terrified that she will. Because I think I know how I will answer. That I will take her back, and the cycle of break-up/make-up will start again. Because I am a masochist. And a dark part of me deep inside actually enjoys the pain. I secretly like it, which terrifies me and I wish it would go away.
I tried dating a couple people over the last couple weeks. I tried to lose myself in them. But I simply cannot make a connection, even though two of them were deeply into me. It is selfish and unfair of me to continue dating people right now. Because all I do is compare each prospective date to her.
I so desperately want to hear her voice on the other end of the phone right now. I want to hear her sweet voice breathlessly, sobbingly say she is sorry, and that she wants me to come to her this very moment. But I know it won't happen. Because she is probably sleeping with someone else this very moment. And that thought is what I will, unfortunately, carry me to a fitful sleep filled with visions of her with someone else.
I truly am pathetic.
I feel like a pile of dog shit that has been stepped on, and then unceremoniously picked at and scraped out from between the crevices of a shoe with a random stick. I am absolutely devastated. Seeing her photo practically ripped the heart from my chest. I thought I was "over" her. But apparently I'm not.
When I started dating over two years ago, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Then I met her. Now I know what I want in a woman. I want her, minus her desire to break the cycle of "serial monogamy" in her life (as she puts it). But I can't have her the way I want. And there is no way I can change her.
Most guys wouldn't bat an eye at her. But I loved the size and shape of her. The smell of her. Her voice. The way she laughed. The way she smiled and sweetly said my name each and every time she saw me. The way she held me after making love. How she would reach out and hold my hand about half way through our walk the very few times she wanted to go to the park together.
I was good to her. I treated her with love and respect. I was openly affectionate with her in public without being raunchy. And the sex was so very, very good for both of us. She would tell me nearly every time that I was the best lover that she had ever had. And she was the best lover I had ever had.
And the way she said "Please, let me keep this man" over and over the last two times we made love...
But something does not make sense to me. Something has been nagging at me since the moment she called me to inform me that she had found someone else that she wanted to date. Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship that they openly admitted was a good thing?
Why?
The only thing I can rationally come up with was how horrible her marriage was, which ended about a year and a half before I met her. She said she hadn't really dated much before she met me. She said she wanted to date. But she never really wanted to date me.
Is that it? Was I her rebound guy? Was I doomed to fail with her before I even had a chance?
Part of me so deeply wishes that, in a few months time, she will call me and ask me back to her. And part is also terrified that she will. Because I think I know how I will answer. That I will take her back, and the cycle of break-up/make-up will start again. Because I am a masochist. And a dark part of me deep inside actually enjoys the pain. I secretly like it, which terrifies me and I wish it would go away.
I tried dating a couple people over the last couple weeks. I tried to lose myself in them. But I simply cannot make a connection, even though two of them were deeply into me. It is selfish and unfair of me to continue dating people right now. Because all I do is compare each prospective date to her.
I so desperately want to hear her voice on the other end of the phone right now. I want to hear her sweet voice breathlessly, sobbingly say she is sorry, and that she wants me to come to her this very moment. But I know it won't happen. Because she is probably sleeping with someone else this very moment. And that thought is what I will, unfortunately, carry me to a fitful sleep filled with visions of her with someone else.
I truly am pathetic.