Is it wrong to have the feeling you no longer want to exist in a life that is pointless??
Not that I want to take my life, I'm too much of a pussy to do that, but just that it would be better to not be earth bound. I'm at a point in life that should be happy, and I'm not. Life is hard, it's what builds character in people, but it seems it's gone past hard to impossible, cruel actually. I've worked hard for what little I have, but what I have has turned out to be wolves in lambs clothing.
I never understood what happened in my marriage that caused the split in 1992. Nothing was out of the ordinary, it was quite Ozzie and Harriette like. We had a son, who I love more than life. Then a couple years later we split, well she split. No warning, no fight, no nothing, she just wanted to be out. Young and nieve, I just went with the flow, for my sons sake, didn't want to cause any issues to make him have to choose sides later in life. Of course, I should have fought it, hind-sight is 20/20. He's grown in to a fine young man, silver spoon in his mouth by his mom, but still a good kid. Well, her five marriages(I was no.3, after she married the first one twice), and comments made to me by her exs, got me doing some serious soul searching. I started piecing things together and decided to go online and buy the kit..DNA. I did this about 3 years ago, but when I got the results, I had reservations about opening them. To me, he's my son. He looks like me, acts like me and I had a hand in raising him, not to mention the small fortune I have invested in him. But recently, things were said again and it got me wondering again. I opened the results, I am not the father. Devestated. Numb. Angered. That should be the description for DNA. I haven't told anyone, until now, if anyone really reads my blog, because the more I thought about it, he's still my son. But it also became very clear why the divorce happened, she couldn't live with me knowing what she did.
My job is something I really enjoy, but it really is a work in fultility. The owner makes everyone feel so glad to be there, to feel like family. But it's all a snow job. What you do is so appreciated, but your salary has to be cut, well, not cut, eliminated. You'll have to live on straight commission. You did a great job this year, but I'm sorry, this is at the last moment, your year end bonus has been eliminated too. I want you to feel just happy enough working here that you don't ask for a yearly raise. Just happy enough you won't quit. Just happy enough you can't see what I'm really doing.
Eh, fuck. I thought I could write the rest of what I have jumbled up in my thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. Life is just fucked up, and at some point, you're allowed to die. I'm ready, any time, please.
Not that I want to take my life, I'm too much of a pussy to do that, but just that it would be better to not be earth bound. I'm at a point in life that should be happy, and I'm not. Life is hard, it's what builds character in people, but it seems it's gone past hard to impossible, cruel actually. I've worked hard for what little I have, but what I have has turned out to be wolves in lambs clothing.
I never understood what happened in my marriage that caused the split in 1992. Nothing was out of the ordinary, it was quite Ozzie and Harriette like. We had a son, who I love more than life. Then a couple years later we split, well she split. No warning, no fight, no nothing, she just wanted to be out. Young and nieve, I just went with the flow, for my sons sake, didn't want to cause any issues to make him have to choose sides later in life. Of course, I should have fought it, hind-sight is 20/20. He's grown in to a fine young man, silver spoon in his mouth by his mom, but still a good kid. Well, her five marriages(I was no.3, after she married the first one twice), and comments made to me by her exs, got me doing some serious soul searching. I started piecing things together and decided to go online and buy the kit..DNA. I did this about 3 years ago, but when I got the results, I had reservations about opening them. To me, he's my son. He looks like me, acts like me and I had a hand in raising him, not to mention the small fortune I have invested in him. But recently, things were said again and it got me wondering again. I opened the results, I am not the father. Devestated. Numb. Angered. That should be the description for DNA. I haven't told anyone, until now, if anyone really reads my blog, because the more I thought about it, he's still my son. But it also became very clear why the divorce happened, she couldn't live with me knowing what she did.
My job is something I really enjoy, but it really is a work in fultility. The owner makes everyone feel so glad to be there, to feel like family. But it's all a snow job. What you do is so appreciated, but your salary has to be cut, well, not cut, eliminated. You'll have to live on straight commission. You did a great job this year, but I'm sorry, this is at the last moment, your year end bonus has been eliminated too. I want you to feel just happy enough working here that you don't ask for a yearly raise. Just happy enough you won't quit. Just happy enough you can't see what I'm really doing.
Eh, fuck. I thought I could write the rest of what I have jumbled up in my thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. Life is just fucked up, and at some point, you're allowed to die. I'm ready, any time, please.
DNA is a funny thing, some people aren't related but are a better father figure than the "real" father. I hope things get easier for you. x