mistermainevent

It's been nearly five months since I've taken the time to write more than a few sentences. Truth be told, I haven't the slightest idea why I've gone without updating for so long - it crosses my mind pretty often, but I never seem to get around to actually DOING it. Lack of focus, maybe? I suppose that's as good an excuse as any other.

I'm not going to bother trying to recount the details of everything that's happened during the last four months - those of you that follow me on Twitter or read my Facebook pretty much know all of the important stuff, anyway. If you don't, well, shame on you for not keeping yourself in the loop.

My recent visit to Indiana was something of a mixed bag. It's always good to see the family (especially Dad), and getting together with the old group is generally an enjoyable experience, but it seems like every time I come back to Arizona, I find myself feeling more and more removed, more and more like an outsider looking in. Granted, I don't really stay in touch with most of the folks back there, save for a very select few, but by the same token, it doesn't feel like anything there ever really changes, like the place is sort of frozen in time and no one will ever progress any further than their current station in life. I guess that's comforting, in a way, to be able to go home and be taken back to the "good old days" or whatever, but there's a part of me that wants to see everyone moving on, getting their shit together and getting on with their lives.

Christ, that really sounds like I'm up on some kind of soapbox, doesn't it? That's certainly not the way it's intended. I just look in the mirror and see myself getting older, and I feel like I've barely even begun to live up to my potential. I moved back to Arizona to break the cycle, to stop feeling like I was treading water but never actually swimming. I feel like I've made some pretty impressive strides in the two years that I've been gone, but at the same time a large part of me feels like I haven't even started yet. Then I see people that are doing the exact same things they were doing when I left, and it makes me wonder if anyone else from the old group feels the way I did before I decided to leave - trapped. And if they DO feel that way, are they doing anything about it?

It's been a pretty rough few months, to be honest. I haven't felt so completely unmotivated and uninspired in a very long time, and if you asked me what caused it, I don't think I could point to a single thing - more like a culmination of negative experiences that have just gradually worn me down. I stopped dieting and working out months ago (again, lack of motivation), and it has certainly taken its toll, not to mention contributing to my overall decrease in energy. I stopped writing (obviously). I sleep far too much, yet never really feel rested or rejuvenated. Work no longer offers the comfort and security and familiarity that it has for the past four years. The last time I wrote anything, I had so many plans, and I thought I knew exactly where I would be in a few months. Turns out I was wrong on pretty much every single count.

I don't wanna give the impression that I'm all sad and depressed and the like, because I don't believe that I am. Indeed, I'm trying to maintain my role as the Eternal Optimist, but a lot of things didn't turn out the way I had intended, and you can only deal with so much of that frustration and disappointment before it starts to wear you down. We all need to wallow in our self-pity from time to time, provided that we don't allow ourselves to make a lifestyle of it.

I'll be moving out of this shitty apartment in just a few days, and acquiring a roommate who is not only one of the nicest and most genuine people I've ever met in my entire life, but is also a comic/movie/videogame nerd like myself, which should do wonders for my demeanor. I typically enjoy living alone and having my solitude, but with the way everything is going, that's not really working out for me, so it's time for a change. As it stands right now, it's bad enough that I wake up every day and dread the thought of going to work, but when I clock out for the night and dread the thought of going home? I think that might be worse.

Once settling into the new place, I intend to get a gym membership and some new running shoes, and get back on a daily workout routine. The past few months of shitty eating and sedentary living have pretty much undone all of the progress I made last summer, and my negative self-image has done nothing but perpetuate a cycle of poor habits and poor choices. No more of that shit. No more making excuses, no more bullshit justifications.

I also think a change of scenery is in order. Yes, my trip to Indiana provided me with that, and while the trip put some things in perspective and gave me a lot to think about, it didn't really do much to counter my overall dissatisfaction with my life over the past few months. Ironically, it was a newspaper writer from Indiana that first gave the advice to "Go West, young man!" And right now, that seems like a hell of an idea. A trip to the West Coast never fails to clear my head and lift my spirits.

So stay classy, San Diego - at least til I come visit. And if I have it my way, it won't be long.