michellefatale66

FUCK! I wrote this poem about a co-worker I have a crush on and he fucking read it, and figured out it was about him. This is retarded. He just left a comment saying 'is this about me?' So now I'm feeling like vomiting, mainly because I wrote that he was a scared little boy and this poem was private you know? Yeh I know what youre thinking... so private you wrote a public blog about it. I know I know.

Fuck. I'm so nervous. I'm leaving on a week long trip to Arizona with him on Sunday! He's 18, he doesnt' know much about life or girls, but he really cares for me and visa versa. I just have this really bad feeling in my gut, but at the same time I miss him and think about him constantly.

Also the fact that my poetry and my music have completly kicked me in the ass. Its the best way for me to vent, but... the people they're about always gets back to them somehow and it fucking sucks. And it's always a big deal. Problem is, I don't know if this ones a big deal because its 5am and I cant call him to talk to him about this.

Weve been communicating through IMs for two days, Im tired of internet chat, and I'm so stressed because he is so unpredictable and I've never bruised his ego, nor do I want to. I'm also very embarrased because I'm a really guarded person when it comes to guys. I always act like I don't care, and I always like to act less into them then I really am because I'm so terrified of appearing vulernable or someone whos not independant. Now he somehow knows more about my feelings then I wanted him to and I feel like shit.

So here was the poem I wrote:
(Thank god he doesnt frequent SG)

Subject: Expectations - A poem February 21, 2005 Monday - 4:29 AM
He opens the gate and I watch him drive in I walk in the rain,a small candle ignites Ignoring the desire I never asked for Not remembering the last time I laughed and lost time A winged angel with vampire eyes The spiked heals that sink into the ground The lously tight cotton that hugs so beautifully The scared little boy underneath it all The future is destined for pain and destruction It hurts to think that this might be true Wanting to crawl in the plaid queen of silence My heart be still when I pressed my body for the first time Its hard to say what another is thinking Especially when they don't care to admit it Trying to make all my assets irresistable Killing my thoughts when I feel it's no use Knowing inside I want so much to love My body rejects my hope of a future I want to feel sexy and stable and alive I want this to give me the confidence I crave To be on the outside what I finally feel inside To be truly happy with something I know won't be true I'll never get rid of them... Expectations