I want to fuck her brains out. Instead I focused on talking to her every day about this that and anything she wanted to reassure her that her life was fine. That her boyfriend loved her even though at first he didn't pay enough attention to her. That if they had kids it would bring them together and that they'd be a happy family.
But they've told me that I'm hung up on that same feeling about almost all of them. I have to deal with those feelings better and not trying to entrap myself in loops of misery because I help people more than I help myself in some pursuit of being with them. The heart ache starts again when I have no one to talk to.
I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over though.. I don't pursue anyone. The heart ache has always been there. It has always been a thing, like breath, or sweat, or eating, I only find comfort in comforting others. What I do is love value and support. IF a woman should happen to come along and does actually want to be with me.. great. That's only happened once and I tried for almost 30 years to avoid that possibility in the first place.
I've said all along that I do not want women. More often what happens is that I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time such that someone else gets her attention and decides to claim her and then I'm stuck SOL. They say I'm stuck holding my dick in those situations but that's not even it. I'm stuck with a broken heart because I lose friends and it is very hard to make them in the first place. There are only a handful of them that I have actually wanted. That I lusted after and that I actually desire to bed, to wed, to share our lives with and build things with. I thought in my teens that as those opportunities arose and withered that I was too old then.. Since I've never felt young. Decade and some later now... Since perhaps she was one of the first, sure.. But we've been friends. For years. And though I have wavered in my belief that I'm fine with us just being friends... Well...
Since I first saw her. Since I first heard her voice. Since I unconsciously studied every detail of her face and decided that it was her lips that really did it for me. I have loved her... but she never stuck in my mind as an object to worship. She isn't that. She's just a sweet person that I adore. I have never obsessed over her the way I have with others. She's never needed attention and gets more than enough from her common law husband. She hasn't changed. She hasn't deviated from the picture I built in my mind of who she is. Many of them have deviated, some egregiously so, making me wonder often if I am just wrong when I first judge people and build that picture.. and then grow resentful when they deviate from it. Because usually by the time I decide or realize it isn't working.. I've committed love, adoration, effort in supporting them. But they don't care and I've such a hard time reconciling the fact with what I thought I had or wanted.
Of course I would never. It is something that has come in like a tide and when it is gone I'm like a barren wasteland. Not wanting anything.. Just existing for a time. Simply surveying the ruin left in the wake of those powerful emotional tidal surges. When it surges in I suppose I feel some resentment that we never moved in together. But I don't dwell over it like a loss because we're still friends. I have used this friendship as an example for why I should never accept to just be friends with anyone again that I actually want to be with. That although she didn't mean anything by it she said to me what I needed to hear. She said I was creepy. There was no real context to it. It was just a fact she put into words. That was what a decade and a half ago? When I had few friends and nothing much in the way of experience with women... I was just happy that it was so natural for us to be friends regardless. It wasn't a put down but it was plenty effective. And so we have been friends.. Through those surges and droughts. I never call her. I never want to see her. Generally I do nothing to nurture what little we have into being anything more than what it is.
But she occasionally wants to see me. So occasionally I present myself to her kids birthday parties. They are older now so I suppose they would recognize me if she calls me again to the next one. If anything I'm just her IT guy. Where her husband can't quite manage she calls me in. I'm fine with that. She doesn't pay me.. but he insists. Because she doesn't have to. I do whatever she wants of me.
Her husband, to whom she's not married, because she doesn't believe in such things.. I guess he understands too. I'm not his friend but I'm also not his enemy. I help him when he asks, and he has asked with regard to the computer.. but it's clear how things are between us.
That honesty is part of the reason I would prefer to deal with regret if any, and resentment aplenty, than to act on anything that would break our friendship.
There's pretty much nothing to it. We just play words with friends. We have for what seems like over a decade.
Because i played a triple letter score on a triple word score.. I came myself an asshole. Then left her an opening so she played an even higher triple letter score on a triple word score.
Or I could give her the link to this blog....