lunchbox_____

Usually I love this time of year. Other than the extra tourists, fall in New England is about as nice as it gets. Along with the leaves and cider and syrup, its just cool enough to wear a hoodie in the mornings and evenings, which I believe is pretty perfect.

I'm not really digging this fall though.

It may sound dumb, but mostly I hate the fact that it's getting cold enough to let Brady's mohawk grow in. Don't misunderstand me, I get it. It's hair. It'll grow back and I cut it however the hell I want to in the spring. The shitty part is watching it grow, and realizing that another rough transition is comming on. Tisha gave Brady the 'do right after we got home from introducing him to all of his Seattle family. At that point it was still so close to having lost Lillian that there wasn't any bright spot at all. Then one day, I come home from summer skool and there he is, spiky little mohawk and a huge, proud smile. I broke down right there. Tears of joy and sadness just kinda came pouring out as I hugged him. I guess it was what I needed right then and there. We kept it cut all summer long. Friends and family were pretty unanimous in proclaiming it the cutest haircut ever. Just seeing him with it, having random people tell us how cute it looked; it helped to drive the blues away.

So hopefully by now you've realized whats bugging me isn't that his hair is comming back. I feel like with each day that passes, each leaf that falls crimson and dead, I'm starting to lose the things that have gotten me this far. This is our first autumn without Lilly here, and as things change around me I can't help ending up back at the fact that won't change. I know that Tisha and Brady are gonna be what get me through the winter, and I konw that for thier sakes I'm gonna keep doing what needs to get done. But I don't know yet how I'm gonna look at the end of it. I hope that when spring comes I can make like the season and be ready to grow again.