linkismyhero

I feel like a complete, incompetent failure. And I know y'all mean well and everything, but the problem is so deep-seated that it won't help for you to say "aw, no, sugar, you're super-smart and can do anything you put your mind to! *wink*". I mean, sure, it makes me feel nice to get supportive comments from friends, so I'm not saying to not say all that, but I'm just saying this is a problem that can't be fixed with a few encouraging words.

This is a problem that is keeping me from living my life. I live in my hole of a room that I don't keep clean, my bathroom is disgusting, I live with my mother, I'm struggling in school, I got fired from that awful job… the list goes on and on. All because I don't believe in myself.

I snapped and yelled at mom, and she "put me in my place", saying I have no right to yell at her. I feel like I have no right to do anything.

But yet, I do like myself and enjoy life, and don't want to off myself or anything like that. That is very important, I know.

She asked me if I can picture myself at a job, at a computer, taking assignments and programming applications, which is what I want to do. I honestly can't picture myself doing it, with my current mindset. I have actually walked away from a couple of jobs because I felt like too much of a failure to continue. I hadn't really thought of it in those terms before, but that's exactly what happened.

I'm really not sure what to do about it. I'm not sure I even understand it. I just have no faith or confidence in myself, and I have no idea how to plant those seeds and nurture them until I believe in myself. I feel scared, honestly. My life is so narrow.

I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.