I know no one cares, but...

6

I feel pretty comfortable posting things like this here, partly because I know no one will really pay much attention to it. One or two people may actually read it, three or four will "like" it without reading it, most likely just hoping for "likes" on their sets, but probably no one will actually think much about it before moving on.

I'm really tired.

Ok, that's an oversimplification. I'm tired on a very deep spiritual and emotional level. Although I'm also physically exhausted, sleep will do nothing to help, even if I could get it.

I lived my best years being too careful, trying not to fuck things up too badly. I missed out on chances I should have taken, and lost before I even played the game. Now, here I am, 42, alone, struggling to pay the bills, etc.

I want nothing more in this world than to find a partner. I just want to find a woman who challenges me to be a better person, who accepts me for all that I am. I want a woman who looks to me for support on her bad days and who will support me on mine.

Maybe it's because I've been off my meds for a few weeks now, but I keep hearing this voice in the back of my mind, saying, "It's never going to happen. Even if you meet her, you have to do the math. Getting to know each other well enough to commit for the rest of your lives could take a few years. You could be 45-50 before you're married. Even if you got married at 45, and even if you had your first child the same year, you'd be in your 60s when the child was old enough to drive. Want to see your child get married? Want to know your potential grandkids? You'd be better off having an 'oops' moment." It goes on from there, worse and worse.

I know people will say things like, "Just be patient; it will happen when the time is right," but... no, it won't. It didn't. The time has come and gone.

So lately, I've been giving serious thought to just ending it all. I dont necessarily believe marriage and kids are the only reason to live, but I don't really see much purpose in continuing the way things are, either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm probably too stubborn to attempt it, and even if I did, I'd probably just fail at that, too. But the thoughts are there. That nagging voice is always whispering sweet (you're) nothings for all eternity.

I'm just so tired. I'm ready for all or nothing, but it's really looking like nothing is winning.

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
violanti:
Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I know it couldn't have been easy to post this but you're so brave for doing it. I can totally relate. You are definitely not alone.
liath:
Thanks for the actual responses, and for sharing your similar stories.  The "ending it" portion is mostly just that late night, overwhelmed with depression, thinking too much kind of thing, although that doesn't really make it any less real.  I'm exploring other anti-depression options.  I didn't like the way meds made me feel.  The only noticeable benefit to them was that on the rare occasion I had sex, I could last basically forever.  Unfortunately, all of my other feelings were just as numb, and since I haven't had sex in over a year, I can't really justify taking them just for that.  I just got some Kanna tea, which is supposed to have some anti-depressive qualities, as well as a sort of drunk-without-damaging-your-liver state, if you drink enough of it.  We'll see.

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