Life is a crazy ride. You spend your whole life searching for your own personal bliss and then once your find that bliss it gets ripped away from you. I've always heard people talking about their soulmate but I never really believed that such a thing existed. To me it was always just a cliche, an expression used by people in the blinded stupor of young love. I never thought anything about it. I knew I would eventually find someone I would love with all my heart would share their love with me, but I never thought that it would be something so powerful. As a your quintessential pisces I have always been in love with the idea of being in love. There has always been some girl that I have been enamored with, some girl who I thought was perfect and would make me happy, but none of those compare to this. This one is some much different which explains why it hurts so much more than normal. This time there was a deep connection. It was like I knew her and loved her before I met her. Out interests and goals meshed perfectly. We both shared the same taste in music, movies, tv shows, and and other interests. We had the same political ideologies, esoteric beliefs, and love of astronomy and nature. It seemed like we connected on a deeper plane than can be explained. She felt this way too. Thats why makes is so painful. For the first time in my life I knew what a true soulmate was. It was her, and I was hers. You'd think that would be enough. I was there for her as she went through a tough break up with her ex, while in turn, she was there for me a few months later when I broke up with mine. We were just friends at that time experiencing the joys and pitfalls of life together but on separate paths bound to collide in a collision of ethereal bliss. It was last September that we started to hang out outside of work. She didn't know how I felt, and I hoping and sensing that she felt the same. I'm a bit of a slow mover, and with our situation I was even slower. You see, she wasn't only my co-worker, she was my direct supervisor at work. This was the blockade, the juggernaut impeding the stream to our happiness. I would secretly send her flowers at work with the card's message being encrypted in Latin that subtly drop hints of whom the flowers were from. I had to do it this was so that other co-workers wouldn't know they were from me. Finally in January she found out they were from me and we talked. She expressed that she felt the same for me, but because of our situation at work we couldn't pursue a relationship. This was devastating to me. Here I finally meet someone who is so amazing and perfect and who feels the same for me, but I can't be with them. The heartache crushing. She would not date me because she was my boss and it would hurt her reputation. It makes since. I don't blame her for thinking that way. She is going to go places. She is incredibly intelligent, competent, and on her way up. The scandal and gossip that would come from her dating one of her subordinates could be crippling to her career. Not to mention that she is also a single mother, and can't afford to put her job in danger. Her reasoning makes complete sense. Thats where we are quite different. Like I said before, I am a pisces. I think with my heart and emotions more than with my mind and logic. She is a virgo, the polar opposite of pisces. She thinks with her mind and logic over her heart and emotions. If you know much about astrology you would know that we make the perfect pair. Where I am weak, she is strong, and vice versa. It was the next month that we went into a deeper conversation about "us". She said that we can't hang out outside of work and that as long as we work together it will have to be that way. I didn't think I could hurt more that what I was already feeling. I was wrong. This is killing me. I see her at work. I hear her infectious laughter. I can smell her sweetness when she comes into my office or I into hers. Its like I am being tortured everyday, yet also blessed to see her at the same time. It fucking sucks. It really is the situation of the right person, wrong time. I'm tying to get through knowing that everything will be alright. Its just so damn hard. Last week I applied for two different jobs that are in different divisions. If I manage to get one, then I am hoping that we will be able to begin our relationship once again. I miss her so much. I need to get one of these jobs. I don't know why I decided to write this blog. I have never written one before. Writing has never been my strong suit and I am sure that for those who read it, if any, will find it hard to follow. But for those who do read it and can follow what I am saying, wish me luck and send good energy. I am in desperate need of it.