kumquat

continuing my happy fucking postings..

i am so..hurt? well yeah, definitely that but ugh, feels like a smack in the fucking face.
i was hoping against hope to move into a room close to where i am now at a price i could actually afford.
so i could stop having to borrow from friends.
and y'know.
feel like a slightly worthwhile human.

i cannot continue to live in my place right now.
i can't sleep in a bedroom i was raped in.
i love my roomates but it's just not enough.

plus the rent is too expensive like i just said.
and ow.
it hurts.

i didn't even realize how much i was hoping for it until i got a no.
trying not to be a complete loser and beat myself up.
but it's hard.
and i'm doing it anyway.
what is wrong with me?
why couldn't i fit in?

i am a good person..right?
i think.
bloody hell.

i thought june was the worst month of my life, and then here comes july..
and i see no light at the end of the tunnel for august.

it was something i really, really wanted.
and seemed like it could be an answer for me.
but no.

now at a complete loss as to what to do with myself.

and i have this overwhelming feeling that i won't be able to celebrate my twenty fifth.
it feels ominous and terrible.

i am just plain overwhelmed.
physical pain? all time high.
mental anguish? huge.
self worth? nope.

anyone want a roomate?
can afford about $300+ utilities a month.
y'know exactly what was being asked for the place i wanted SO badly.

oww.
just ow.