kozmikgirl

DEATH
I never understood how much my kitty was intergrated into everything I did. I keep doing all those things, then realizing she is gone & I start bawling like a baby.

Like when I open the door when I come home, expecting her to be sitting right there like she always did. I always had to be so careful on entering so as not to step on her. I keep opening my door now, expecting her to be there & when I realize she will never be waiting for me again I get hysterical.

Or when I hear my answering machine click on, it sounds just like her eating her dry food & for a second I think she is in the kitchen, but she is not & I start to cry.

Or when I turn on my livingroom light & look directly at her spot under the stereo to see her pretty face. I completely expect to see her there still. When I see she isn't there I start to cry.

GUILT
One thing about death is that there is no way to avoid some kind of guilt when someone you love dies. I still hold guilt from the whole injection incident (see the journal entry with the kitty pictures). I feel so horribly bad that I didn't do everything perfectly for her hypoglycemia. I got lazy alot of days about it. I got caught up in my own life & got lazy. I keep crying & saying "I am so sorry, Belle" over & over. My eyes are swollen. My cheeks are chapped. I just want to hold her & pet her one more time.

But I know no matter what, with death comes guilt. I don't think you can avoid it. You will feel guilty about something. You will find something to beat yourself up about. It is just the way it is.

LAST NIGHT
So, last night at about 2am I realized how sick I was making myself just from turning on the livingroom light. It was killing me inside every time because I automatically look for her in her spot the minute I do it. I had to do something about it.

So, I had an idea. I found a good pix of her, one where she is doing the smiling thing, & I printed it out & put it in a frame & sat it under the stereo with her 2 stuffed animals she used to drag around the house. I put her little toy mice there too. I thought it would make me feel better to turn on that light & when my eyes instictively wonder to the spot I can see her pix & feel more settled. It worked. Now I see the pix & her things & it makes me feel happy that the spot isn't just empty.

So, right after I set it all up I walked over to the light switch & turned it off & back on & back off & back on & kept smiling knowing I wouldn't have to be killing myself like that anymore... knowing I could see her everytime now.

ASSHOLES
It was 3am & I was still standing there by the light switch, which is by the front door. I was thinking about Belle & thinking about what other pictures I should have professionally developed when I heard a car pull into the parking lot. It was some kind of loud music & engine. I heard a door open then close, then again a door opened & closed, then another, all while the engine kept going. Something told me to take a peek outside. I opened the front door a crack & saw David (the ex-roomie). He was walking away from my car. I was so stunned. He looked right at me & kept walking. Holy shit, what was he doing to my car? He then got into a small red wagon & pulled out of the parking lot. He has no car & no licsense, so I was wondering what person he has manipulated now to get that car.

After being stunned for afew minutes my paranoia kicked in & I went out to my car. I was hoping that he had just left a note for me or something, because there is nothing to steal in my car but piles of garbage. I looked around inside & outside the car & found nothing out of place. All the garbage was still there too. Damn it.

I walked around the apartments to see if anyone was up who might have saw something & everyone's lights were off.

TODAY
I woke up & I decided to try to call his mom & find out if he was there (because that is where he is staying) at 3am last night. I thought maybe I was seeing things or something, that maybe I had really lost my mind this time. I was still so shocked at the whole thing. It was just so weird. So, I walked up to the pay phone so if he was there he wouldn't see it was me on the caller ID.

His mom answered & told me he had stole her car last night around 1am... & that it was a little red wagon. She said it had mud all on it this morning & that is how she knew he had taken it. She said that he denied taking it & that he either was lieing or that maybe he couldn't remember because he was so drunk. Nice. She said that it is basically her word against his about the car... well, until now at least. She also told me he was now in jail & that she suspected he would be there for at least six months. I am filing a report about all this on Tuesday. About the games, the letter, the car.

But, the strangest thing yet that she told me was that her husband (David's step dad) had a heart attack at 2am Christmas day & that David saved his life. That if David hadn't done what he did & found him when he did that he would be dead. It all just baffles my mind. Completely.

UPDATE: THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR
4% of the population are born without conscience. That is 1 in 25 people. I have 37 people on my SG friend's list.

I just got off the phone with the officer resposible for David's stuff. He asked his questions & I answered. He told me many things about the situation. Interesting. He has many charges he is facing besides mine & his mom's car.

I told the officer that I suspected that David had sociopathic tendencies & perhaps he was a full blown sociopath. Now, I would never want to throw that word around. It is quit insulting to be labeled a sociopath, but to a sociopath it would not be insulting or anything. It would mean nothing to them.

If you know anything about sociopathy, it is basically someone without conscience. It is hard to imagine, I know. Just think of what you would be capable of if you never felt remorse, guilt or empathy. If you never thought of anything but what you wanted & needed. I can't even begin to grasp the consept of having no conscience to guide you through this world.

Not all sociopaths are violent or murders, I suspect that is the first thing that came to your mind. It is all about the desires of the sociopath. David's desires were laziness & never having to work. Not power or money. But just being comfortably lazy & having his needs & wants met without having to lift a finger.

I know you ALL know who the biggest power & money hungry sociopath is in america. I am sure he will never feel any remorse for what he has done. No guilt, no nothing. No matter if he is punished or not... he will only feel neutral about all of it.

Well, the officer agreed with me. He said that with this sort of situation, sociopathy was common. I warned him about the charming manipulation David is capable. I wish I would have trusted my gut when it came to him, but stupid me having hope for humanity... stupid me.