junecleavage

My mother found out she was pregnant with me when she was still in high school. Being from the good Catholic family that she was, this meant she was getting married soon after. When I was six months old, my father left us in a fine clichd manner, going out to fetch something never to return. The ironic twist in this was that I looked exactly like the father I never met and was told this for a good portion of my childhood but the idea of father was a confusing and lonely one for me. I had no trust for most men during this time. She remarried when I was eight years old and eventually gave me two brothers whom I adored. Over time my step-father became the heroic answer to my fatherless prayers. He was everything to me and I am grateful for the man he was when we were growing up. However, 25 years into their seemingly idyllic life, he left us too. He swore he was only leaving the marriage, that he would never abandon his childrenthat this was just between him and my mother. But that was simply not the case. He became someone else entirely and the man we had known all our lives was forced to be a distant memory. The hero I had based all my trust and belief in was just another coward. And ~ my lifelong fears were reaffirmed.
I was not worthy of a fathers love.
This battle, both inner and otherwise, of the idea of father has tormented me for the majority of my life. It has plagued many of my own relationships. It set up all men who entered my realm to fail before they had even started the race. Until, of course, two years ago this man, coldenginelogic, had the gumption and determination to knock the shit out of the fortress I had built around me.
And now
May 24, 2005.
Sebastian Chet is born.
The only man to whom I can and have given implicit love, trust, honor and respect became a father.
He is a warrior.
He is a scholar.
He is an artist.
He is my hero.
He loves his children.
And - he loves me.
A father who loves me.
How blessed I am.
How untouchable our tribe is now and forever.
Happy Father's Day Baby.