Hey there! I'm writting another entry for my blog here.
I was thinking that I was going to make it go with the normal flow of my previous entries. You know, a "witty" comment and a "joke" about a porn video I saw the other night, a self-deprecating comment followed by an attempt of a joke, etc, etc.
But tonight I couln't snap out of myself. I couldn't think anything else besides how I feel.
I can't avoid feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated, trapped and confused every day since I wake up and until I eventually fall sleep at 4:00 am in the morning.
I'm on that situation where I feel sad because I don't have anyone that actually acknowledges that I actually exist. I don't have any friends that care about if I'm dead or not, I have no girlfriend anymore because I ruined my relationship, I have no one that actually would help me get out of this hole I am. I have no one to talk to when I feel like this, nobody cares, the only one that I can talk to is to God (and I think he's tired of me already) and everytime that I try to talk about this with someone in my family I get the "What in the fuck are you talking about" or the "Are you satan?" and it's just useless.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, but most of the times I feel like they don't help me at all, just dont care or just the feeling that I just don't belong here anymore,
I feel angry and frustrated because the situation doesn't seem to be able to change because I don't know what to do to change it.
My current situation is that as you already know, i'm unemployed. You could say "Why don't you go out and get a job it will make you feel better". But, the thing is that I don't feel motivated to do so, I have no reason to do it. Maybe buying an Xbox, but why make my happiness depend on material things?. Because it will make me be distracted of how I feel, of course, because distracting myself of how unhappy I am doing something that makes me even more unhappy.
Also the fact that the only place I can work just habing graduated from highschool is in a Call Center because my english is "good". I don't want to work at a place like that anymore, I just don't, but I don't know where else can I go, where else they can accept a useless fuck like me.
I'm afraid, i'm afraid of dying without having achieved anything in life.
During this past year that i've been unemployed I noticed that sometimes I feel out of breath and sometimes I feel the same thing but also I feel my heart struggling to keep going for sometimes less than a second, sometimes 1 second and the last time I felt that, it lasted enough for me to have to hit my chest to make it go normally again. As well I feel sometimes some sharp pain in my chest and I have this thoughts of my lungs or heart failing me. Some nights I stay up way later because i'm afraid of falling sleep and dying in my sleep. I'm afraid because I don't know where I'm going, is it heaven?, maybe hell, or how does it even feel to not exist at all.
As i'm afraid of all this, i'm also in the mindset of "I could get a job to pay my medical bills", but if i'm doing something that makes me unhappy just to save my miserable life, why should I do it? should I just let myself die and let everything end once and for all.
All this make me feel useless because I feel that I could do anything, but that wouldn't make me happy at all in the end.
I want to be happy, I want to go away from my house and live alone (or with a girlfriend), I want to help people, I want to have a girlfriend that cares about me and shares this with me, I'm not asking for a model, a big house or a luxury car.
I just want to be happy, I... I want to have a reason to live.
Somehow I believe that nobody actually reads this and I'm writting this just for myself because nobody seems to read the part where I say: Please, say hi to me, i'm lonely.
Anyways, If you read this, thanks, I really appreciate it.
Goodbye and Godspeed.