OK @robertbluesman . No one ever taps me for this sort of thing (not even back when I was still on hated FB)... but I will give it a go. In turn, I tap my brothers @kaptaine , @buddy3338 , @wizard0 , and my two biggest crushes on SG, ever, @dariianity and @lunaraise .
I am only doing it because it a 100 FUCKING DEGREES in NY right now, and my AC unit is a cheap piece of shit, and I cannot sleep. So I will dump the contents of my head on you like so much bedpan refuse, out the window onto the street. Enjoy!
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1) Do I like bleu cheese?: Yes. I like all manner of stinky cheeses. Mmmmm... mold. It is like eating Entropy. I even have lactose intolerance, in my adult years... but I like inflicting delicious pain upon myself. A good Gruyere is worth a night of wailing, abject misery on the toilet, no? (The correct answer is YES.) I even like Fromunda Cheese, if the girl is pretty enough. Or a pixie, or a redhead... or fuck my luck, all three. Yum. Lick the plate, I say.
2) Coke or Pepsi?: Coke. But only if I am loading it up with rum. Usually Diet Coke. I don't do sugar or sweets, as a rule. I am sweet enough, goddammit. . ;-}> No self-respecting bar patron ever ordered a rum and PEPSI. Even the name is the Beatles, to Coke's Rolling Stones.
3) Do I own a gun?: YES. A Mossberg pump-action tactical shotgun. With multiple barrels for various uses. And LOTS of various shells... magnum shot, slugs, flechette face-flayers... even Dragon-Breath incendiary rounds. GODS HELP you, if you fuck with me or mine. You will rue the day. BRIEFLY.
4) What flavor Kool-Aid?: Nope. Again with the fucking sugar. Although I do admire what Jim Jones did with it. A beverage pioneer, that guy was.
5) Hot dogs?: Meat in tube form! Always, always good, especially when it is not. My hero Tony Bourdain loved it, and I do too. Make all the gay jokes you want. Insensitive assholes. Sausage is always a good bet.
6) Favorite TV show?: THAT, sincerely, is a tough one. But I would have to say Game of Thrones. I read all of those ponderous-ass books, twice... and the show that HBO made out of them is far superior. Usually the books are better. Not so, here.
7) Favorite movie?: FUCK YOU! Too many good ones... but if you put a gun to my head and make me choose... anything directed by Terry Gilliam! (click, as gun is cocked): OKAY, ok. Top three are Zero Theorem, Brazil, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. (pressure on temple, gangsta stare... one last chance to live, beeyotch...): Baron Munchausen.
8) Morning drink?: LOTS of water and Gatorade, anything with lots of electrolytes, to re-hydrate after another night of budding alcoholism. Punctuated with shots of black coffee.
9) Can I do a push-up?: Many. I was in the U.S. Air Force, and am still pretty damn toned and lean for a man embarking on his forties. I will admit, though, that I do not go to the gym. That treadmill shit is for hamsters. My JOB is a workout. The only other exercise I get is from fucking. And they both are more than enough, trust me..
10) Favorite jewelry on me?: HA! A beauty of my caliber requires no adornment. I wear a silver chain, with a silver Templar (aka Iron) Cross... to bait the ignorant, and to protect myself from vampires and werewolves. But that is IT. I will grudgingly wear a wedding ring, from time to time. But only for seven years at a time.
11) Favorite hobby?: What I am doing at this very moment, in fact... listening to vintage and metal music, getting fucking lit, and collecting nude art. This is my WHEELHOUSE, people. You are soaking in it. Like Palmolive, and shit.
12) Do I have ADHD?: Fuck, no. I am the other end of the psycho spectrum. OCD. I can zone in on a goal to the point where I forget to eat. Or bathe. Or sometimes even breathe.
13) Do I wear glasses?: Nothing prescription. Blessed with killer vision. But I do almost always wear tinted shades, Blu-Blockers or computer glasses, like my man Hunter Thompson. LED light is bad for your eyes, kids.
14) Favorite cartoon character?: OH I want to punch someone in the dick every time they ask a question this hard. Ren Hoek, from Ren and Stimpy? Toki Wartooth, from Metalocalypse?? RICK from Rick and Morty??? Errr, FUCK... Marvin the Martian, from Looney Tunes. Just because he wanted to turn this planet in to a cinder. Yeah, Marvin.
15) Three things I did today?: HOPED. STRUGGLED. DISSOCIATED.
16) Three things I regularly drink?: My liquids are few. Coffee. Gatorade. Booze. In basically that order. But a LOT of all 3
17) Current dislike?: Filling out Getting-To-Know-You Forms. FUCKING GODDAMN IT this thing is long.
18) Favorite place to go?: Gunnison Beach, on Sandy Hook, NJ. Best nude beach in the Eastern U.S. You can see Lady Liberty on a clear day, across the harbor inlet. And being naked on a beach is the best feeling you can have, sober, EVER.
19) How did I ring in the New Year?: I married (as a minister) my two best friends, hugged my shy stepdaughter for the first time ever at midnight (big moment), got ruinously drunk, and vomited in my sleep, all over my friends' leather couch (they found handfuls of it, by smell alone, weeks later, after I unsuccessfully cleaned it up that night). They thought a dead animal was in their walls. Fucking AWESOME
20) Favorite place to travel?: Anywhere but where I am. Restless soul, womb to tomb.
21) Nominate five people to pass this on to: I did this in the opening paragraph. Pay fucking attention lol.
22) Favorite color?: Purple. Except when it comes to women's hair: then RED. All day long
23) Do I like satin sheets?: I am indifferent to bedclothes. I generally pass out in a chair in front of my computer, writing silly bullshit like this, that no one will ever read.
24) Can I whistle?: yes. Stupid waste of a question. Who gives a fuck. If you whistle a lot, and are tone-deaf, I will kidney-punch you. This is a warning. Don't sing or whistle if you cannot carry a tune. Vengeance will be swift and unexpected.
25)What am I doing right now?: What I do all day, every day, for as long as I have lived... hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. There is no other way to live.
26) Would I like to be a pirate?: Yes. Duh. The ocean, and pillage, and sword fights, and rum? No-brainer. NEXT.
27) Favorite food?: Clams. Raw on the half-shell, especially, but Casino-style, steamed, fried, live and panty-boiled... I will eat clams ALL. GODDAMN. DAY. LONG.
28) Last time I laughed?: I laugh constantly. Several times, in fact, answering these pedestrian-ass questions. I find myself HUGELY precious and hilarious. (That is a key to happiness, kids: entertain yourself. Ultimately, no one else will.)
29) Last time I received flowers?: Never. And I don't give cut flowers as a present. Try hard to imagine a worse token of your affection than something that is going to ROT AND DIE IN A FEW DAYS. Mystifying. If I really love a girl, I give her live tulips or violets to keep in pots, or plant in her yard.
30) Most recent injury: Only been injured twice in my life. Warning: Raconteur mode...
First time was about 6 years ago... I broke three ribs when I fell against a kitchen countertop, when a stool kicked out from under my feet. I was hanging a beloved piece of stained-glass Dragon art, that my late mother gave me when I was 13, in my kitchen window, over the sink...and the stool slid out. My split-second choice was 1) lose the Dragon, the last memento I have of my mother, or 2) hold onto it with both hands, and take the impact like a fucking man. There was no question. That Dragon glass is unbroken to this day. The ribs, however, took two months of constant agony to heal. Still happy with my decision.
Second time was the only time my heart has EVER been broken, in a lifetime of thinking I was like cream to the kitties, where women are concerned. Never had any evidence to the contrary... until Jessica. She was my 2nd wife, who was far younger, hotter, and ultimately less faithful than I am. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. No one wants to hear that shit. You live and learn, and we all get our hearts shredded and pissed on, like Jess did to mine. WAAAAAAAAAAAH. All is fair in love and war, and we all pretty much get what we deserve, and ask for.
31) How many pets do you have?: My fiancee and I have a big, old, sweet RottenChow dog, Tank, and a psychotic, nigh-feral black cat known only (in hushed whispers) as Mr. Kitty. I am a cat guy, and desperately want a talky, blue-eyed Siamese girl kitty. But we are afraid Mr. Kitty will kill her and eat her soul. So I wait... and plot against him.
32) Worst pain ever?: A pelvis/thigh cramp that I had the other night, that woke me out of a sound sleep. It was pain so bad that I could not breathe, except to gasp, "Please... fucking... stop..." for what seemed like about 5 minutes. Nothing helped... walking on it, holding leg straight, nothing. I am shuddering right now thinking of it. Don't get old, kids. Or be a dangerously-dehydrated, degenerate alcoholic.
33) Do I like to dance?: YES! And I am pretty good, for a middle-class white boy. My Afro-American friends in Maryland taught me. But I do best to reggae and electro music.
34) Parents living?: Mom drank herself to death when I was a teenager. Father has terminal liver cancer. Choose better questions.
35) Do I love my life?: Sure! Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes. I hate my job and I hate my brain chemistry, and I hate most of my stupid-ass friends. But I am grateful for life, most days. Whatever. Hippie bullshit fucking question. Go smoke another one.
36) Summer or winter?: WINTER. I am a Viking, both by blood and by soul, and a Scorpio, child of the Fall... and I FUCKING HATE HOT WEATHER. I will take subzero temps over heat waves any day of the week. You can always put on more layers, when the wind howls... you cannot peel your skin off when it is a heat index of 109 deg F like it is in this fucking house right now.
37) Grandchildren?: ... huh? Whaaaa? None. No children, either, shockingly enough (who writes these fucking things?). Some people are meant to breed, and some are not. And I have never wanted to inflict my brain chemistry and rage and depression on innocent children. That being said, I currently have a very sweet (soon-to-be) stepdaughter whom I adore beyond words, and would protect with my own life. And I thank the gods daily that she does not share my toxic genes, and will be happier and stronger than I ever was.
38) Car or van?: Another odd question. I think the author was foreign, and meant to ask: "Car guy or truck guy?". BUT, as a 25-year automotive professional, I can tell you one thing for sure: any man with a souped-up muscle car or a giant Diesel truck... has a tiny, sad, laughable excuse for a penis, and is just trying to compensate. (I, by way of contrast, drive a compact, 4-cylinder Honda. Hung like a mutant Yak, me.)
39) People person or not?: NO. And once again for the cheap seats: NO! The biggest challenge of my life has been to learn to fake it well, which I have... and I have tried, despite my gag reflex, to be more like my Game-Show-host older brother. But if the Zombie Apocalypse ever comes... I will be giddy as a fucking schoolgirl... with a naughty note from panty-moistening Johnny. And my Mossberg and I will be ready. And I will pop all of your fucking heads with glee, like I am on a dream vacation. Rest assured. I will not let a single one of you languor in zombie perdition. That is my promise to you all, brothers and sisters. Kisses and love.
40) I will take the 40th-question liberty, and ask something of substance: what do you think happens to us when we die? One deep question out of 40.
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That was worse than homework. Hope at least two fucking people bother to read all that. But I will read EACH of my nominees, entirely , if they are brave gluttons for punishment, and want to do this shit too.
Wubba lubba dub DUB!