jackmcginnis

Aw fuck...
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Wait I should be celebrating.
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No I really shouldn't but hey I always celebrate when I hit a new low in my life. So hold on a second while I get myself a nice heaping glass of bourbon and self pity.

Why? Because I'm a self loathing, highly medicated, lonely, fucking LOSER!!! So ha! Believe it...I am so chockfull of shit it isn't even funny. But it is to me because I've FUCKING NUTS!!!

Wow I said all of that while completely sober. Go me.

So here's the story. Tonight I put all my nuts in one jar and told that Leah girl how I felt. I didn't sugar coat it, I didn't make it sound mean, or tricky or high school emo kid like. I just told the honest truth because we were talking about the new guy she is seeing. Better late then ever I was figuring. I was also figuring hell why not be a man be totally honest get shot down then my little depressed mind can't hope for the impossible. Good plan, eh?

WRONG! Why? Because I'm a very lonely, very fucked up person who still believes that if I just act like who I really am and wait for the right person who likes me for me that person will actually come along and everything will me alright. But deep down I know that this approach will never ever get me anywhere good.

What I always forget is that I am full of such utter bullshit...or at least my subconscious is. I know that it will be extremely hard for me to get over this Leah girl. Because I know that she has been first person in almost a year that I've truly liked and truly clicked with. She would almost finish my sentences and I would almost finish hers. We weren't clones of each other but we got along extremely well. So my pathetic little mind will not let go of this girl for the reason that it will keep convincing it's self that something was possible when obviously there was not a hope in the world using my current truthful tactics.

This of course pisses me off because I know better then this. I've figured all of this out before but for some reason my subconscious always has to say "I'M GONNA FUCK YOU OVER" whenever I make any positive progress towards improving my life and accepting various things and accepting that other things are not really my fault. Sometimes people don't like you for reasons outside of your control. You can't make someone who doesn't like you all of a sudden like you because you say you like them.
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*breath* I'm angry...at myself. Which I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean before about 4 months ago I never really got angry at myself just depressed. Really depressed. But I end up asking myself is this better? I mean I no longer go down the path of possibly hurting myself, but still, I know that none of my problems have gone away. I still feel lonely and isolated from other people because I can't seem to connect with them as hard as I try. I still have a mother who cares more about her self then her only child. And I still feel like I'm not making forward progress in my life in general. I feel as if I'm just tricking myself into ignoring the real problems in my life with the aid of psychoactive drugs.

I mean I'm sure that they keep me from going to a really dark place where I would think of trying to take my own life but I still am aware of the truth.

I don't know...I really don't know.

What I really need is someone to keep straighten me out. Someone who is forever forgiving and willing to invest the time and energy into helping fix me, but come seriously, who the fuck is willing to do all of that for some random guy, huh? 0 in couple billion. It's not in our nature, it's not anywhere in nature. The strong survive, the weak die off. As humans we are not exempt from this process.

Edit (12:53PM AKA 12 hours Later...):

I'm so glad that life has decided to truly say "FUCK YOU JACK!" I mean I checked these my comics today and these three showed up.







So yes that has been a nice little start to my day.