It's funny really. I was on the phone with a friend. Probably one the best friends I've ever had. Some how she brought up the topic of my birthday. Or maybe it was me. But anyways the topic was brought up and she realized that my birthday is only a couple of days away. Of course she asked me why I hadn't told her or brought it up. I told her that it's because everyone forgets my birthday. To which she responded, well if you tell no one about it then of course people will forget it.
Except that's not the reason. The reason is my birthday always reminds me of something. Not that I'm aging or that I'm still pretty much in the same place in my life. It always reminds me of the people around me who say they care but don't make the effort when I really need them. For most of my life I've been just paid lip service. By friends, by family, by most everyone I've known.
What's even sadder is my response to that kind of treatment. Up until about six months all of that was internalized by me. Some how I was at fault. Some how I was not who I was supposed to be. So my response was to be depressed over how much of a bad person I was. I mean why not? I was the common link in everything. Many people, many situations, same outcome. Only me to blame.
Then I don't know. After a year of doing everything imaginable to try and fit in with the kids in my dorm in Canada and coming back to the states and trying to do the same I figured maybe I should talk to someone. I'm still not sure if therapy is doing any good since it is pretty much just drug doling out right now. But it gave me another side of the story to think about.
So how does all of this tie back to my birthday? Better yet why the the hell are you still reading this? You know it's probably only going to depress you. Well I can probably answer the first question not the second.
See this birthday chat ties in that I don't really care about my birthday but I care about the girl who asked me about it. Why? Because this girl (Kelly) is the sweetest nicest girl who has ever made friends with me. She seems to care a lot about a lot of people including me. Yet she doesn't seem naive at all. She knows the world, she knows what bad things are out there. Yet just exists. Which makes me utterly in love with her.
At this point all of those who have actually read my preceding blog entries (which is probably one person at best) will ask, "But wait I thought you thought that Leah chick was all groovy and shit and that you wanted to import that sweet Canadian beaver into your US of A Florida wang.)
Which I would respond: First off I didn't really hope to have sex with her. Unlike the rest of the male population that isn't gay or married when I see a nice looking girl my first thought is NOT "hey I would like to do the humpidy bumpidy with her". Second of all she isn't even close to Canadian you dumb ass. Third off I don't know where you got this US of A Florida wang shit but I hate Florida and I am trying to move to another country.
Which only leaves me my forth point and the main important point: Yes I was interested in Leah and yes if she suddenly called me up and said "hey I really like you. Would you like to go somewhere and have a nice really long chat to try and get to know each other better?" I would probably have some interest in her. But judging by her lack of responding to any of my messages sent her, her lack of returning any phone calls to her, and the fact that I hadn't heard a peep from her until I ran into her at her work, I don't think that is going to happen. Now sure she could be harboring some secret desire for me and really has been just "really really busy" but the most likely case is that she is politely trying to show that she really doesn't want to hang around me or be friends.
Now most likely the women in my readership will be asking...or well would be asking if I did have any women in my readership who would read this far down into a long long discussion of my non-existent love love and very weak social life..."isn't that like changing your bet when it looks like your horse is going to lose?" Which I would respond...Well no. For me I've had an attraction to both ladies. I've clicked with both of them or at least I clicked with both of them and as a result I've felt terrible. I mean I would think, "how can I have affections for two women? Doesn't that make me a bad person?" But I decided it really doesn't. Mainly because I clicked with both in different areas...one seemed smart, liked and understood indie music, was good looking, and liked to bike (Kelly), the other would let me talk to her in depth and let me learn a lot of things about her. Of course I also factored in the fact that I'm a fucking idiot in figuring out if I truly like someone and why I like someone. Judging by past crushes I fall in love with anyone female that shows me a micron of respect or caring.
Of course what made me lean towards Leah was the she was single and Kelly was in (still in) a relationship. Of course I'm morally opposed to breaking up relationships for my own personal gains...which for all of you out there will your BS meters the needle should be off the chart. So all of you with the BS meters you know that the reason I leaned toward Leah was that she was single and hence my chances were a snow ball in a scarf's chance in hell vs. just a plain snow ball's chance in hell. That and she had actually had lunch/dinner with me and was at least being fairly open with me.
Why have I suddenly leaned towards Kelly? Why have I spent a good hour and a half writing this non-sense when I could be looking at porn?
Well to answer the first question it's because she had actually talk to me voluntarily in the past 5 weeks, duh. As for the second question...it's because I'm depressed and a fucking moron.
Now kids wasn't that a nice way of taking "I'm feeling depressed and crappy" and stretching it out to an ungodly amount of words that no one will read. Fuck yeah!
Why do I do this shit? Because personally I like making fun of my self and maybe someday all of the people that abandoned me will see how they destroyed a perfectly good human being. I mean that is assuming that they outlive me and suddenly start giving a damn. Neither of which is likely. I mean come on everyone knows I'm some sort of sick cosmic joke. Fuck, my creator is probably going to let me live to 120 in a diminished capacity just so he has one last chance to screw it to me.
So now that is done I'm going to go get some sleep which of course that means go find porn.
OK...so maybe I really am just going to go get some sleep. It's been a long day.
Except that's not the reason. The reason is my birthday always reminds me of something. Not that I'm aging or that I'm still pretty much in the same place in my life. It always reminds me of the people around me who say they care but don't make the effort when I really need them. For most of my life I've been just paid lip service. By friends, by family, by most everyone I've known.
What's even sadder is my response to that kind of treatment. Up until about six months all of that was internalized by me. Some how I was at fault. Some how I was not who I was supposed to be. So my response was to be depressed over how much of a bad person I was. I mean why not? I was the common link in everything. Many people, many situations, same outcome. Only me to blame.
Then I don't know. After a year of doing everything imaginable to try and fit in with the kids in my dorm in Canada and coming back to the states and trying to do the same I figured maybe I should talk to someone. I'm still not sure if therapy is doing any good since it is pretty much just drug doling out right now. But it gave me another side of the story to think about.
So how does all of this tie back to my birthday? Better yet why the the hell are you still reading this? You know it's probably only going to depress you. Well I can probably answer the first question not the second.
See this birthday chat ties in that I don't really care about my birthday but I care about the girl who asked me about it. Why? Because this girl (Kelly) is the sweetest nicest girl who has ever made friends with me. She seems to care a lot about a lot of people including me. Yet she doesn't seem naive at all. She knows the world, she knows what bad things are out there. Yet just exists. Which makes me utterly in love with her.
At this point all of those who have actually read my preceding blog entries (which is probably one person at best) will ask, "But wait I thought you thought that Leah chick was all groovy and shit and that you wanted to import that sweet Canadian beaver into your US of A Florida wang.)
Which I would respond: First off I didn't really hope to have sex with her. Unlike the rest of the male population that isn't gay or married when I see a nice looking girl my first thought is NOT "hey I would like to do the humpidy bumpidy with her". Second of all she isn't even close to Canadian you dumb ass. Third off I don't know where you got this US of A Florida wang shit but I hate Florida and I am trying to move to another country.
Which only leaves me my forth point and the main important point: Yes I was interested in Leah and yes if she suddenly called me up and said "hey I really like you. Would you like to go somewhere and have a nice really long chat to try and get to know each other better?" I would probably have some interest in her. But judging by her lack of responding to any of my messages sent her, her lack of returning any phone calls to her, and the fact that I hadn't heard a peep from her until I ran into her at her work, I don't think that is going to happen. Now sure she could be harboring some secret desire for me and really has been just "really really busy" but the most likely case is that she is politely trying to show that she really doesn't want to hang around me or be friends.
Now most likely the women in my readership will be asking...or well would be asking if I did have any women in my readership who would read this far down into a long long discussion of my non-existent love love and very weak social life..."isn't that like changing your bet when it looks like your horse is going to lose?" Which I would respond...Well no. For me I've had an attraction to both ladies. I've clicked with both of them or at least I clicked with both of them and as a result I've felt terrible. I mean I would think, "how can I have affections for two women? Doesn't that make me a bad person?" But I decided it really doesn't. Mainly because I clicked with both in different areas...one seemed smart, liked and understood indie music, was good looking, and liked to bike (Kelly), the other would let me talk to her in depth and let me learn a lot of things about her. Of course I also factored in the fact that I'm a fucking idiot in figuring out if I truly like someone and why I like someone. Judging by past crushes I fall in love with anyone female that shows me a micron of respect or caring.
Of course what made me lean towards Leah was the she was single and Kelly was in (still in) a relationship. Of course I'm morally opposed to breaking up relationships for my own personal gains...which for all of you out there will your BS meters the needle should be off the chart. So all of you with the BS meters you know that the reason I leaned toward Leah was that she was single and hence my chances were a snow ball in a scarf's chance in hell vs. just a plain snow ball's chance in hell. That and she had actually had lunch/dinner with me and was at least being fairly open with me.
Why have I suddenly leaned towards Kelly? Why have I spent a good hour and a half writing this non-sense when I could be looking at porn?
Well to answer the first question it's because she had actually talk to me voluntarily in the past 5 weeks, duh. As for the second question...it's because I'm depressed and a fucking moron.
Now kids wasn't that a nice way of taking "I'm feeling depressed and crappy" and stretching it out to an ungodly amount of words that no one will read. Fuck yeah!
Why do I do this shit? Because personally I like making fun of my self and maybe someday all of the people that abandoned me will see how they destroyed a perfectly good human being. I mean that is assuming that they outlive me and suddenly start giving a damn. Neither of which is likely. I mean come on everyone knows I'm some sort of sick cosmic joke. Fuck, my creator is probably going to let me live to 120 in a diminished capacity just so he has one last chance to screw it to me.
So now that is done I'm going to go get some sleep which of course that means go find porn.
OK...so maybe I really am just going to go get some sleep. It's been a long day.
Sometimes you have to just say fuck it and find ways to make yourself happy! Do whatever it takes to make yourself smile. Whether it be biking or drinking good beer, or making fun of me in my blogs, but there are things that make you happy! Granted, there are going to be good days and bad days and lots of days in the middle.
Trust me, this is coming from a dude that has been feeling more and more like a loser for some reason lately.
Find things that make you happy and do them! Oh, and stop falling in love so freaking easy! If you aren't officially "dating" a girl or she isn't your "girlfriend" or whatever...then how can you fall in love with someone? It is cool to just like them lots and really think they are rad...but is it really love? Can it really be love? I dunno, just a thought. I have a friend that is sorta in a predicament like you. Only the girl he was in love with is a lesbian. And she told him that from the get go.
People are fucking stupid and my job fucking sucks balls!