Well first I wanted to thank every one for showing some love on my set :-)
It's been a very rocky past couple of days :-( My boyfriend and I split up and I've been beating myself up about it. He is such a wonderful man, and he would have done anything for me... but I ran away :-( and the sad thing is, it's not the first time I've run away. I'm Not entirely sure why, but I feel like I've only let my emotions go so far, and then they halt..blocked by some enormous cinder block wall I've built up around me. I could understand if I did it because I felt like I would be hurt, but he gave me no indications that he would ever hurt me, and yet, I still run? If anyone deserved a chance to be let into my heart, it was Raymie. NOw I'm hurting for making such a wonderful man, go through this awful pain called heart break. I love him and care about him so much. But my damn heart/mind hasn't allowed me to progress into the amazing feeling known as being totally head over heels.
I've boiled it down to the fact that I don't feel like I'm happy with myself. So all the while I've been searching for my happiness with having a man in my life, I've got to figure out my inner happiness so that I can bring someone into my life to share that with. I just wish I didn't break his heart before I figured that out. :-(
I now know that I'm totally not ready to get myself involved with anyone, for my sake, and theirs. I am going to focus on me and bettering myself and being proud of who I will become. I signed up for financial aid ttoday, so that I can go back to school. I made my resume so that I can now go out and get that job that is more well suited for myself. As much as I enjoy smoking pot, I've not smoked for the past several days now for two reasons: gotta get that good paying job with benefits and I think this will help me clear my head out quite a bit. I've been a pretty regular smoker for the past s six years now, and I feel like I've used pot as an emotional crutch more than I should have..
Here's to hoping things look up!
I love you Ray and hope you can forgive me for putting you through this :-(
It's been a very rocky past couple of days :-( My boyfriend and I split up and I've been beating myself up about it. He is such a wonderful man, and he would have done anything for me... but I ran away :-( and the sad thing is, it's not the first time I've run away. I'm Not entirely sure why, but I feel like I've only let my emotions go so far, and then they halt..blocked by some enormous cinder block wall I've built up around me. I could understand if I did it because I felt like I would be hurt, but he gave me no indications that he would ever hurt me, and yet, I still run? If anyone deserved a chance to be let into my heart, it was Raymie. NOw I'm hurting for making such a wonderful man, go through this awful pain called heart break. I love him and care about him so much. But my damn heart/mind hasn't allowed me to progress into the amazing feeling known as being totally head over heels.
I've boiled it down to the fact that I don't feel like I'm happy with myself. So all the while I've been searching for my happiness with having a man in my life, I've got to figure out my inner happiness so that I can bring someone into my life to share that with. I just wish I didn't break his heart before I figured that out. :-(
I now know that I'm totally not ready to get myself involved with anyone, for my sake, and theirs. I am going to focus on me and bettering myself and being proud of who I will become. I signed up for financial aid ttoday, so that I can go back to school. I made my resume so that I can now go out and get that job that is more well suited for myself. As much as I enjoy smoking pot, I've not smoked for the past several days now for two reasons: gotta get that good paying job with benefits and I think this will help me clear my head out quite a bit. I've been a pretty regular smoker for the past s six years now, and I feel like I've used pot as an emotional crutch more than I should have..
Here's to hoping things look up!
I love you Ray and hope you can forgive me for putting you through this :-(
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
I know what you mean about running away.... sometimes I think this love thing isn't for some of us.