illuminatus

anyone ready for the drama-less drama? anyone want to listen to how my life is bothersome while remaining so seemingly simple? finding myself wrapped in similar thoughts for an familiar length of time.... constant.

though my new class is great, and school fly's by with me thinking for the first time that time is going by TOO rapidly, other things in life are lacking now.

im keeping this short......

ive had a very nice female over for the past few days. one of my ex's, now pretty much my best friend. ive been falling asleep so comfortably at her side, locked in a pile of limbs and wrapped in each others grasp. both of us, so pained over others, yet so silently joined. she just the other day took the same approach i had, just leaving games or not-games alone and eject what bothers you most. i have been spending my time wondering if it was worth it. if it is worth it. i debate with myself... was it selfish? either way, whats done is done, and there is no turning back in life. there is no rewind button. my life is my responsibility, my choices are mine, its consequences are mine, too.

watching others follow in my footsteps, so to speak, really puts a different perspective on things. im glad to say that viewing a mildly similar situation from a third person perspective has given me the helping hand i needed to follow through with things. though.... it feels like my heart is blackening. my concern for those around me are not diminished, but i feel like im pulling back into the mindset of "love does not exist" and its becoming terrifying. i now believe that feeling is what causes me to fall so easily, and i cannot allow that to happen anymore. i dont want to be the loveless soul i once was, and i have changed myself so much in the past little awhile that to allow that slip to occur would only make all my choices in vein. ive moved past that person, and left him standing on the side of the road. i cannot bow to the ease of darkness. i cannot feel heartless again.

i guess thats why i keep her in my thoughts so much. like a way to prove to myself i still have that capacity within me. my ex being here with me, as we comfort each other, is nice, but nowhere near the same. i guess that goes for both of us. i can tell that she still thinks about "him", and i can tell she knows i think about "her" still.

i long to check up on her. i wish for her to message me. but, each of those thoughts are only accompanied by the memories of what once was, was i still desire to be. so without that, i cannot. but... i will still think about her as long as im alone, it reminds me of my humanity.

EDIT:

just had a good conversation revolving around politics, religion, science, and science fiction. points were made and it wasnt as much of a debate as it was a relaxing conversation.

i would just like to say.... it felt absolutely amazing.