iamtony

well the 4th of july sucked. my family had a pseudo intervention. my only sibling/sister is married to an emergency room doctor and my mom, dad, sister, myself and him all sat down in the living room and discussed what i was doing and had the doctor explain what could happen if i freak out goin off the meds. I know what can happen, i have done my research. my parents want to put me into a rehab facility. i told them that the thought of that makes me feel violent, and i dont think i have ever had a violent tendancy in my life. I cannot be locked up with other addicts listening to others problems all day and i dont want another drug to counter act the withdrawal. i would literally break stuff.

My family has a history of mental illness on both sides. My dads side of the family is either alcoholic or cocaine addicts or both. my unlce was the very first person to be arrested and convicted for the possession and the attempt to distribute heroin in the state of wisconson. I remember visiting him in jail in the early 70's when i was a little kid. I know what's running through my veins and i know what im up against.

i know the only way to come clean is to do it on my own, in the middle of no where. I know i will become sick and i know the pain of withdrawal will be overwhelming, but once its gone its gone. and if i want to live, i will fight and i feel like dying, i will still fight.

and to think before last november i hadnt done cocaine for 10 years, never really drank alchol and barely smoked weed.. my life spun out of control so fast, i didnt even see it coming.